In which I get angry at work

I went to work. We will count that as an achievement.

But then I went off on one of the drivers. It really wasn’t my place to do it, but on the other hand…

Apparently yesterday he told one of the women who works there about a Frisch’s in N*****ville. Not only is that just unacceptable with anyone, this particular woman is married to an African American and has 3 children by him.

This woman is so meek it would take a nuclear apocalypse to make her complain or respond in anger directly to the person. Although apparently she said something after he left. I wasn’t there and I snapped at him when I heard. His response – Well, that’s what they used to call it. Grinning like it was all a good joke.

So I continued to express how inappropriate and unnecessary it was. He refused to accept that and said he wasn’t politically correct. I suggested he replace the words politically correct with ‘show respect’.

He walked away saying he wasn’t going to sit and be lectured.

On the one hand, I never sit still and shut up when people raise racial slurs. But I also don’t take it as far or get as angry as I did tonight. I am not fond of this driver. He has on multiple occasions pissed me off. So that probably played into it.

But I feel like losing my temper is losing the moment. Its losing control of myself. And then he kind of wins. Because I got angry.

I’m getting angry too often these days. Its not who I want to be.

I have a cat for sale, swap, or frankly you can just have her no questions asked.

Type: Brown Tabby, generally considered cute. Often considered a Pest.

Gender: Female but without necessary connections for reproduction.

Name: Lily

Description: Well, right now I’m typing this with her chin on one of my hands. So. I guess you could call her “involved”. I call it annoying.

She enjoys computers. She will be the means by which you learn a great many things about how to unfuck computers, short cut keys and that sort of thing. She’s basically a computer tutor. She fucks it up, you fix it.

She doesn’t eat much. (due to chronic feline renal failure). However, she makes up for that by throwing up on a semi regular basis. Think of her as a home decorator.

This model of feline releases small barely detectable parts of herself… everywhere. They accumulate into very detectable piles. They will adhere to all of your clothing, furniture, carpet, walls, food. When you clean them up, she will watch and be mildly offended at your disposal of her discarded parts. She is everywhere even when she isn’t.

Your requirements: She likes to sleep with you. But is very particular about the set up. There will be a great deal of back and forth under the covers while you hold the covers up. YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO HOLD UP THE COVERS during the settling in process. Your time and annoyance investment in her position will make it less likely that you will ever move because moving will require a new resettlement procedure, so DON’T MOVE.

You will be required to run back and forth through the home as though you are another cat playing chase. This is required only 2-3x a week as this feline is older and not feeling well often. Think of her as your fitness coach.

You will worry. Incessantly. About the how little she eats, how terrible she feels and how much you wish you could make it better for her. This isn’t a requirement so much as an involuntary response to her love and condition.

Benefits: She loves you. Always and completely.

Maybe I’ll keep her.

Continue reading “I have a cat for sale, swap, or frankly you can just have her no questions asked.” →

Protecting myself through Anonymity

Pic: Phil Monckton/CIOSP

I don’t tend to flaunt my actual identity online. I am not on facebook for that reason. I don’t want to mix my real life with my online life. Online is where I can be me without so many walls around my problems and feelings.

Also, I have always been keenly aware of this vague threat of strangers that basically defines my online experience. I don’t use facebook and so every person I interact with, every person I call friend online, is someone I have never met. And generally speaking I don’t expose myself to them.

I have rarely shown a picture of my face. I don’t use my name in my profiles or avatars. I have only met one other human being from the online world in real life. This however is due to depression keeping me isolated.

I’m not really afraid of you though. If someone I interact with online asks for my name and address so they can send me something, I provide it.

My online friends carried me through the darkest part of my life. They even sent me money unasked when I was homeless. They sent me postcards when I finally found shelter in a tiny room in a rooming house, so I would have something to fill up my bare walls. they have sent me gifts and kindness. They cheered loudest when I got a job. They never stopped listening. They filled my empty hours with silliness and kindness and an endless stream of support. And they never demanded anything from me.

But still my avatar remains an otter and my name remains hidden online.

I read something recently on why remaining anonymous on the internet is not good. How it leads to mistrust and abuse.

And I’ve been questioning my anonymous state. Maybe its time to show my name. I was on my Gravatar a moment ago and nearly changed it from itsathought2 to my name. I ended up only adding my state. How weak of me.

I have a neighbor who has embraced the Griswold Spirit.

zow0uxs I love Christmas Lights.

Where I used to live, on the gentrified side of town, most of the displays were blandly tasteful. Usually one color with a sort of understated ‘we participate’ theme. The trees are carefully wrapped with lights and they never BLINK. There is nothing so tacky as the blink. Many conform to an unstated standard. This standard seems to be largely based on the idea that you shouldn’t be Clark Grizwold.

They are pretty. But no one does a drive by.

Down the street from where I used to live there was a man who thought he was a Grizwold. But his anal obsessiveness probably held him back. All his lights were white. Of uniform size. And they were tacked to boards in PERFECT lines. No bauble of lights pointing up and down, no small sags in a line. These lights marched perfectly around the whole of his lawn and driveway, around each window and framed the edge of the roof. In ruler edge straightness.

Now I live on the other side of town. And there is a house down the street that nearly buckled under the Halloween decorations it put up. Clark Grizwold would have been jealous of this display. And when I saw it, I KNEW that Christmas was going to be a thing worth seeing.

And I was right. This household worships at the shrine of Grizwold. Nothing so easy as glowing blowup decorations. Nope. A full size manger scene. Camels & Magi in lights. There is even a multilayered light birthday cake for Jesus. And naturally all of the house is bedecked in large colored lights. I laughed with glee when I saw it. People drive by for this one. Its on a list somewhere of places to see Christmas Lights.

I do appreciate both kinds. The House Beautiful Lights and the Griswold Heros. But my heart will always be for the Griswold Hero.

Milano Cookies. A Love Story.

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I love Milanos.

Last week I discovered the Lemon Variety. Please take a trip to your local food retailer and acquaint yourself with this lovely decadence.

Its nearly the zenith of Orange Milano. Indeed, there are certain moments, just around the 3rd or 4th chew where it exceeds the Orange and attains a moment of zen like yum. Bright Sunshine and Fresh Sweetness and Lovely.

Tonight I decided to branch out and try the Dulce de Leche. I hadn’t tried it before because it sounded a bit chancy. A bit puffed up with itself. But I can report now and its pretty damn good.

Not quite up to Lemon. But it is a much sultrier taste. It earns it’s name. Its definitely a high class call girl willing to do dirty things to you as long as there are candles and a steamy bath involved.

I know. I know. These are just supermarket tramps. Not home made, Not pure. True. But. They are so very easy and so very tricksy because of it.

Everyone likes an easy trick.

ACHIEVEMENT has been achieved.

girl-408066_960_720 I went shopping. NOT only that. I went to local store which is unfamiliar.

I left the apartment and felt so energized by having walked out the door that the idea of dealing with a store where I didn’t know exactly where to find everything wasn’t such a terrible thing.

This was of course helped by me just buying only the usual things, but I still claim victory.

And it was not such a terrible thing. Which is always the way with things that I put off. I make them into huge canyons of impossibility in my brain and in reality – easy. Well, at least tonight it felt pretty easy.

And everyone in the store was in a good mood. Smiling and nodding and making small talk. NO dicks anyway. So that was nice.

And I even exchanged a small bit of small talk with a man who couldn’t find the ziti he was staring at. He explained that he doesn’t usually go to the store but his wife is ill and someone had to go. He’s really not good at it.

I wanted to tell him I’m not good at it either and I go 2x a week, but I didn’t. I just pointed out the ziti was penne. And assured him that it isn’t the same thing as macaroni. Which he seemed inclined to buy instead.

Anyway, I’m doing the happy dance of achievement and I’m hoping that my brain is back on the rails again.

Progress: Showered & Dressed

But now I’m having the most ridiculous dither about which store to go to.

Because again with the things NOT FAMILIAR.

The store near me is not the store I use. Or not very often.

I go to the store that is near my work because I have to pass it when I leave work and its just easy to stop. The store nearest me is another 4 miles outside the route to work.

The store I’m familiar with is 20 minutes away and in another fucking state.

The one nearest to me is 8-10 minutes away and on the same road that I live on. But I don’t understand its layout as well, and so finding things becomes a thing.

I’m probably going to drive to another state to go shopping because FAMILIAR.

I am so tired of myself right now. 24d182555f187ace4692dcc5ea31c2dd

So. Speaking of Grocery Shopping.

I need to leave this apartment and attend to this chore.

I have planned and intended to do this from the moment I woke up at 830am.

It is now nearly 8 hours later and I’m still not dressed.

This is not helpful. I have to get moving. Not just because I want to buy some food but because I need to break this cycle of stillness.

I have missed work, and that must stop.

This is Day 12 of Antidepressants. They don’t start working until 4 weeks or so. But yeah, I am in reverse. Oh the fucking irony.

I need a Depression Management Achievement to get me back on the rails. Grocery Shopping is going to be it.

So. Go Me. early_women_cheerleaders_at_uw_madison_2246608893

This has been a self pep talk, which you had to witness. Thank you for observing. Sign below as witness.

Groceries are my nemesis.

carrefour_market_voisins-le-bretonneux_2012_09 Which considering the additional poundage I carry around… it doesn’t seem like this would be true. But it is.

I hate shopping and used to avoid it with a success that is attributed mostly to Depression being on my side with this.

But as I have managed the Depression, going to the grocery store has become a regular thing. 2x a week. Like an adult.

But I’m still REALLY bad at it. I buy the same things and I eat the same things over and over because my brain turns to mush once I enter the store. And this is the only way I can manage to buy anything.

In the deepest dark holes of depression, I have been known to wander the aisles helplessly, finally grab a box of frozen waffles and leave. I don’t like frozen waffles.

So now that I have foods that I know work – buying the same items is kind of a win. But I realize that this not healthy. In particular this set of items that I buy and eat.

Of course you are thinking – bring a list. And this is AN EXCELLENT SUGGESTION. Making a list has now become part of the problem.

The mush brain that attacks in the store has now extended to the list making activity.

Grocery Lists are based on what you will eat for the next week. What I will cook. What will I cook? I don’t know. Now we are facing a whole new problem.

Will I cook? Its a toss up with the heavy favorite being NO.

But maybe I would if I had the ingredients and a simple recipe.

OK. Lets look. Nothing seems quite right. Its too hard, it doesn’t sound good, I don’t have the right cookware… I give up.

But lets say I finally overcome all of that and make the list. I then arrive at the grocery with the miraculously remembered list and I stare at the list. I’m tired already and I just got the cart.

I am now longing for the quick and easy selection of food I know. I can be in and out of this hell hole in under 15 minutes if I just go buy the shit I always buy.

Sigh.

I move into buying the list and its all a never ending set of choices. I can’t just buy chicken breasts. Now I have to consider 5 different versions of fucking chicken breasts. Every damn thing is a decision and in my life those tiny decisions are just cutting little pieces of my will to continue away.

This is depression. The everyday choices that people make and don’t even really consider are like tiny energy drains in my brain. And each expenditure of energy to make an unfamiliar choice is costly.

That is why I eat the same things every day. That is why I buy the same groceries every week. Because the accumulation of choices to eat well is expensive. And I don’t have enough energy to pay for it.

“Trainee’s unemployment came through and so he won’t be back.” ~my boss

I haven’t been able to go to work for 3 days. The depression/anxiety is winning the current battle.

When I sent my email of non-attendance this morning, the response contained that sentence in the title. (except Trainee was the person’s name)

I’m confused by the sentence but I guess it means 2 things.

a. Trainee would rather not work than work. Or possibly it is a better deal for Trainee due to COBRA benefits that will be lost if he has a job? Our company doesn’t provide benefits.

b. My boss thinks that I’m not at work due to Trainee.

The second one is more on my mind. People think that there are reasons – concrete understandable reasons for my behavior. The reason – Depression, isn’t sufficient. It has no context or meaning for them. An annoying person who she thought made me feel uncomfortable – that is a concrete reason she can wrap her head around.

We all do this. I do it. I want there to be a path of reason between my brain and my action. And so I look for plausible things. There are whole psychological theories looking for plausible reasons for unhealthy behaviors.

But I have come to realize that there is no rational, plausible reason. Its Depression. I’m stalled because my brain has decided to implode. There is no event that caused this behavior. Its just my brain derailed and went into a stall. Its part of the illness. It happens. Too often.

Its very hard to deal with the lack of plausible cause. It makes the illness far more terrifying. It makes it harder to grapple with. And it makes it almost impossible to explain to another person. Because People want Reasons. I want reasons.