Which considering the additional poundage I carry around… it doesn’t seem like this would be true. But it is.
I hate shopping and used to avoid it with a success that is attributed mostly to Depression being on my side with this.
But as I have managed the Depression, going to the grocery store has become a regular thing. 2x a week. Like an adult.
But I’m still REALLY bad at it. I buy the same things and I eat the same things over and over because my brain turns to mush once I enter the store. And this is the only way I can manage to buy anything.
In the deepest dark holes of depression, I have been known to wander the aisles helplessly, finally grab a box of frozen waffles and leave. I don’t like frozen waffles.
So now that I have foods that I know work – buying the same items is kind of a win. But I realize that this not healthy. In particular this set of items that I buy and eat.
Of course you are thinking – bring a list. And this is AN EXCELLENT SUGGESTION. Making a list has now become part of the problem.
The mush brain that attacks in the store has now extended to the list making activity.
Grocery Lists are based on what you will eat for the next week. What I will cook. What will I cook? I don’t know. Now we are facing a whole new problem.
Will I cook? Its a toss up with the heavy favorite being NO.
But maybe I would if I had the ingredients and a simple recipe.
OK. Lets look. Nothing seems quite right. Its too hard, it doesn’t sound good, I don’t have the right cookware… I give up.
But lets say I finally overcome all of that and make the list. I then arrive at the grocery with the miraculously remembered list and I stare at the list. I’m tired already and I just got the cart.
I am now longing for the quick and easy selection of food I know. I can be in and out of this hell hole in under 15 minutes if I just go buy the shit I always buy.
I move into buying the list and its all a never ending set of choices. I can’t just buy chicken breasts. Now I have to consider 5 different versions of fucking chicken breasts. Every damn thing is a decision and in my life those tiny decisions are just cutting little pieces of my will to continue away.
This is depression. The everyday choices that people make and don’t even really consider are like tiny energy drains in my brain. And each expenditure of energy to make an unfamiliar choice is costly.
That is why I eat the same things every day. That is why I buy the same groceries every week. Because the accumulation of choices to eat well is expensive. And I don’t have enough energy to pay for it.