“Trainee’s unemployment came through and so he won’t be back.” ~my boss

I haven’t been able to go to work for 3 days.  The depression/anxiety is winning the current battle.

When I sent my email of non-attendance this morning, the response contained that sentence in the title.  (except Trainee was the person’s name)

I’m confused by the sentence but I guess it means 2 things.

a.  Trainee would rather not work than work. Or possibly it is a better deal for Trainee due to COBRA benefits that will be lost if he has a job?  Our company doesn’t provide benefits.

b.  My boss thinks that I’m not at work due to Trainee.

The second one is more on my mind.  People think that there are reasons – concrete understandable reasons for my behavior.   The reason – Depression, isn’t sufficient.  It has no context or meaning for them.  An annoying person who she thought made me feel uncomfortable – that is a concrete reason she can wrap her head around.

We all do this.  I do it.  I want there to be a path of reason between my brain and my action.  And so I look for plausible things.  There are whole psychological theories looking for plausible reasons for unhealthy behaviors.

But I have come to realize that there is no rational, plausible reason.  Its Depression.  I’m stalled because my brain has decided to implode.  There is no event that caused this behavior.  Its just my brain derailed and went into a stall.   Its part of the illness.  It happens.  Too often.

Its very hard to deal with the lack of plausible cause.  It makes the illness far more terrifying.  It makes it harder to grapple with.  And it makes it almost impossible to explain to another person.  Because People want Reasons.  I want reasons.