I work 6 days a week. Saturday is my only day off. You would think this would be my day of activities and joy and friends and projects.
It’s not. It tends to be a black hole of nothing. It the day my depression induced stillness can get it’s way. I mostly lay in bed reading, scrolling through various websites and basically doing nothing of value.
I have managed my depression in most of the areas of my life. But my days off continue to be a problem. Today I want to just clean the apartment a bit, do a couple of loads of laundry and cook something for meals for the next week. Even as I write that I know it’s more than I can manage. Despite the fact that it’s a normal amount of stuff for a person to do.
I really need to choose just one of those tasks as my priority. Probably Laundry. It’s the most necessary for the next week’s needs. I can live in a messy house but I still need clean clothes for work. And this defines why I’m not really getting farther than the treading water. I do the barest minimum to make my life work.
I’m really just one of the people in those bleak movies. Trudging along in greyness.
What is even more necessary than all the tasks I think I should do is to find some joy in this life. To get more social. To find creative things that bring me personal satisfaction. I think a Good Life is about the people and making things. I’m doing nothing to promote that in my life.
I’m so much better than I was 6 years ago. But only in that I’m not homeless and penniless and jobless. I’m working and self sufficient and I don’t feel like my life is out of control. I’m able to interact with my family better. But I’m not even close to content or happy. I’m… grey and blank.