Saturday

I work 6 days a week.  Saturday is my only day off.  You would think this would be my day of activities and joy and friends and projects.

It’s not.  It tends to be a black hole of nothing.  It the day my depression induced stillness can get it’s way.  I mostly lay in bed reading, scrolling through various websites and basically doing nothing of value.

I have managed my depression in most of the areas of my life.  But my days off continue to be a problem.   Today I want to just clean the apartment a bit, do a couple of loads of laundry and cook something for meals for the next week.  Even as I write that I know it’s more than I can manage.  Despite the fact that it’s a normal amount of stuff for a person to do.

I really need to choose just one of those tasks as my priority.  Probably Laundry.  It’s the most necessary for the next week’s needs.  I can live in a messy house but I still need clean clothes for work.  And this defines why I’m not really getting farther than the treading water.  I do the barest minimum to make my life work.

I’m really just one of the people in those bleak movies.  Trudging along in greyness.

What is even more necessary than all the tasks I think I should do is to find some joy in this life.  To get more social.  To find creative things that bring me personal satisfaction.  I think a Good Life is about the people and making things.  I’m doing nothing to promote that in my life.

I’m so much better than I was 6 years ago.  But only in that I’m not homeless and penniless and jobless.  I’m working and self sufficient and I don’t feel like my life is out of control.  I’m able to interact with my family better.  But I’m not even close to content or happy.  I’m… grey and blank.

 

 

9 thoughts on “Saturday

  1. I have depression and anxiety and Saturday is the hardest day of the week for me, especially since I have retired. Too much busy-ness going on. People everywhere. On Saturdays I am worn out from trying to be “normal and happy” the other six days… 🙂 I think I would be better off if I would get back to blogging but I can’t find the motivation. My blog is parked in private while I try to find a different theme and find the urge to blog. I am with you in your second to last paragraph.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It’s not Saturday for me but Sundays. Family day. The other days I can fill with tasks that need to be done. Once in a while I’ll bake (which I find enjoyable) on a Sunday but how much stuff can you eat? Wishing you some joy!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Oh, depression. Where one can be so high functioning with the stuff one absolutely must do and then, when there’s break, it’s so hard to see any point. Or any light. Or anything to look forward to.

    And then when you set goals, you just get more depressed if you don’t make them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This. EXACTLY. I used to think of myself as lazy and then a therapist made me walk through what I do at work or when I’m taking care of someone else. I’m not lazy. I’m depressed. It looks the same from the outside though. And so of course my mind likes to use it against me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, a “bad mood” is not depression. There’s a big difference. And baking is exhausting, especially if it’s a big project. But if your work is a series of long projects that never seem to end, it’s cheering to make a loaf of bread or quick batch of cookies because then you’ve finished something. And you can either eat it or have other people eat it and say how great it is and get some validation.

        Liked by 1 person

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