I live in Cincinnati, which is a heavily Catholic town. So every Lent the Greater Cincinnati area has dozens of weekly Friday Fish Frys. Everywhere. Its a sort of unorganized festival of fat and fish.
There are people who make it a sort of pilgrimage to go to a different a Fish Fry each friday with a group of people.
All the restaurants will have fish.
Some Churches even have DRIVE THRU Fish Frys.
Does your city do anything like this?
Monday evening I got my mail and there was a key in the bottom of my mailbox.
It had a black plastic cover at the top but no markings. It was a cheap feeling key.
We don’t have a package box, so it wasn’t that. And I didn’t have any kind of postcard from the mailman indicating a package is down at the post office for me to retrieve. And even if it was, surely it would have some kind of number or reference on it. NONE.
I thought maybe it was the key the mailman uses to open the entire mailbox section so he can put in the mail, but it doesn’t fit there.
So now I have this weird key. And I DON’T KNOW WHY!?
Its a mystery.
Maybe its the key to my future, but I don’t have any idea where to use it!
I have had a rather bad few weeks. My current job has become somewhat untenable due to their choice of insurance.
Which is to say, my anger at their choice of insurance. They have chosen to use minimum required insurance. Until this, I had decent insurance through the Marketplace. The upshot is that they are saving money by taking it out of my pocket.
This is untenable for me financially in the long term. I don’t make much money and will end up in a spiralling debt if I keep the job and try to continue to keep up with my health issues.
So I’m looking for a job. Which is a cesspool of anxiety for me. I have imploded from it. But this morning I got an interview scheduled with a company. This is a huge step. Its a terrifying step. But its a grand brave step and I did it.
And it also means that despite all the things my brain keeps saying to me, I do at least have sufficient qualifications to be called in for an interview.
And it means that I’m helping myself in a situation that feels so overwhelming to me. That’s a special feature of depression and anxiety, they distort situations so that you feel like normal steps to help yourself are impossible. And my brain has been working overtime on that feature. But this interview is like a lifeline. I may not get the job but existence of an interview provides tangible evidence that there is a way out of my situation. One interview means its possible that other interviews can happen. And that eventually I can get a better job.
So I’m smiling about the path, the lifeline that is symbolized by this job interview. There is a way out. I just have to keep running down the path and remember it.
The Ick is has gone into remission. The Stillness is not in sight.
I have already vacuumed and broken said vacuum. But instead of making that into an epic tragedy in three parts I have decided that it will be a problem for tomorrow and today I will finish the list of tasks.
Today will be another day of timer productivity. I will be a busy happy beaver.
I describe living with depression as living in an abyss.
I am at the bottom of a very deep hole, its dark, the sides are very hard to climb and in the middle of the bottom of the hole is a horrible black lake.
Because Depression is not a static condition, where I am in the Abyss describes where I am in the mental illness.
Sometimes I am underwater in the middle middle of a black lake at the bottom of by Abyss. I spent nearly two years in bed without a job and this eventually turned into homelessness. I was underwater during most of that time.
And sometimes I’m on the shore of the lake unable to muster the energy to try climbing the walls. When I first got a job while homeless, this is how I felt.
And sometimes, most of the time these days, I’m climbing up the walls toward the surface. For the last year, I have been trying to figure out a system to get the fuck out of the hole. Or at least spend more time near the top, where there is at least some light.
Sometimes I get to the edge of the surface. I can see grand vistas of normal life before I slip back in. Sometimes these moments only last for a few hours, recently they have lasted for a few days.
I dream of getting out of the Abyss and walking away from the hole. Too far away to fall back in. This is probably a fairytale, but I dream of it anyway.
The Depression is very good at putting up phantom barriers to doing things.
So a simple task can be put off because I have to get the things out of a cupboard or out of drawer or its in a box or whatever.
So for the last year, I have been increasing the amount of First Order Retrievability on everyday things. By this I mean I shouldn’t have to open a door, a drawer or a box.
I hang the 3 three pots and pans I use on the wall over the stove. I have a set of open shelves on my worktable and on it are all the common things I use everyday – burrito wraps, bread, butter, sugar, plates, silverware, cat food, spices.
As I’ve been cleaning today, I’ve been trying to add that concept to my bedroom. If I use it daily, it needs to be where I can grab it quickly – visible.
In my previous life this would be bad. Its clutter. I always wanted everything to have a place to be put away, out of sight. But I realize now that this won’t work for depression management.
So now I’m considering how to make First Order Retrievability at least look nice.
I believe a trip to the dollar store is in my future.
PS – Today is a success!
Saturday was good for me. It was sunny. I felt good and I got things done. Compared to other people, it was not a lot, but for me it was like winning a battle with a monster.
Today we will continue the movement of Saturday. With the help of timers. I set timers for 45 minutes or an hour and when it goes off, I do one task on my list. They are small tasks but when you do that all day you get A LOT done.
I know its kind of weird, but it works. Sometimes. Anyway, its working this weekend. So.
The battle is on. I got this.
I am single. I want to remain single.
But a good deal of what I see on the internet is what most of the world wants – marriage or how to find a marriageable human.
I don’t own a TV. I don’t want one. I do occasionally watch a show on Netflix or something.
But a good deal of what I see on the internet is about some TV show.
I am a blob. I rarely move except to get to work and to get home from work. This is depression.
But a good deal of what I see on the internet is about people traveling or exercising or going to bar/party/restaurant.
Most days I don’t even notice this. But today I am acutely aware that I am not the norm. That I don’t fit any of the standards. I on the outside.
I’m not sure why it normally doesn’t bother me, but today it feels like I’m standing awkwardly at a party I accidentally crashed.
I was dreading shoveling my driveway. I was wondering if I could skip it and just drive over the snow and thinking about how that would be a bad idea but really kind of hoping…
And then my neighbor started to shovel the driveway. LIKE A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR. No knight has been more timely.
He’s a kind man.
His girlfriend has a car that parks there often, so he will get a benefit, but its not like she has to park in the drive. There’s a well maintained church parking lot across the street. I’ve parked there myself on bad snow days.
Nor did he have to make sure it was clear in time for me to go to work. That was also kindness.
He’s my hero and I feel like I need to return the kindness somehow. I shall have to figure out how.
Its quiet.
I live on a very busy corner with a traffic light and a bus stop.
Its 915am and no one is on either the street. The silence is wonderful.
When an occasional car does drive by they are silenced by the snow on the road.
Its BEAUTIFUL. Its like magic.
Also, its pretty. But that is tempered by the fact that I’m going to have clean the car off in a couple of hours. The silence let me sleep without the usual wake up calls from the traffic.
It's a Thought 