I bought an idea

It was shiny in someone else’s head

But in mine

it turned to molasses and ash.

You can burn

the molasses and ash

and try to make it work.

But it’s only energy

It’s not mass

And mass is the stuff of life.

Somedays I feel like the Outsider

I am single. I want to remain single.

But a good deal of what I see on the internet is what most of the world wants – marriage or how to find a marriageable human.

I don’t own a TV. I don’t want one. I do occasionally watch a show on Netflix or something.

But a good deal of what I see on the internet is about some TV show.

I am a blob. I rarely move except to get to work and to get home from work. This is depression.

But a good deal of what I see on the internet is about people traveling or exercising or going to bar/party/restaurant.

Most days I don’t even notice this. But today I am acutely aware that I am not the norm. That I don’t fit any of the standards. I on the outside.

I’m not sure why it normally doesn’t bother me, but today it feels like I’m standing awkwardly at a party I accidentally crashed.

The Kindness of Neighbors

I was dreading shoveling my driveway. I was wondering if I could skip it and just drive over the snow and thinking about how that would be a bad idea but really kind of hoping…

And then my neighbor started to shovel the driveway. LIKE A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR. No knight has been more timely.

He’s a kind man.

His girlfriend has a car that parks there often, so he will get a benefit, but its not like she has to park in the drive. There’s a well maintained church parking lot across the street. I’ve parked there myself on bad snow days.

Nor did he have to make sure it was clear in time for me to go to work. That was also kindness.

He’s my hero and I feel like I need to return the kindness somehow. I shall have to figure out how.

knight_of_war_by_ptitvinc — Artwork by ptitvinc

Its snowing and I found a reason to smile about it

Its quiet.

I live on a very busy corner with a traffic light and a bus stop.

Its 915am and no one is on either the street. The silence is wonderful.

When an occasional car does drive by they are silenced by the snow on the road.

Its BEAUTIFUL. Its like magic.

Also, its pretty. But that is tempered by the fact that I’m going to have clean the car off in a couple of hours. The silence let me sleep without the usual wake up calls from the traffic.

In the middle of the night

They cry, those who are awake late at night.

Things are too broken to fix.

The empty is too large to fill.

The lonely is too familiar to change.

The purpose is too lost in the dark.

The night is for sleep.

It shows the awake why.

In horrific terrible detail.

That Bitch, Winter, Showed Up.

Late and with an attitude.

I’m a bit peeved at the inappropriateness of Winter’s party dress this week.

It was 12 degrees at noon today when I went to work. Tonight the low is going to be 3 degrees. THREE.

This is CINCINNATI, not Canada. 12 degrees is Canada, possibly warm sunny shores in Alaska, but it is NOT Cincinnati. We have a different agreement.

I’m just saying. Someone needs to address it with her. She’s getting all kinds of pushy and more than a bit trampy.

I’m sending a note to Weather HR.

How to Help Someone Who is Depressed

Remind yourself and us that this is an illness not a character flaw. We aren’t lazy. We aren’t antisocial. We aren’t irresponsible. We are ill. Remind both of us, often.
Don’t wait until we hit rock bottom, thinking that is when we will finally try. We probably are trying but for us a huge success is a tiny everyday matter for you.
Socialize with us. We won’t want you to, but do it anyway. This will mean not accepting it when we don’t want to do anything or talk. This works much better if you don’t wait to intervene until we have completely cut ourselves off from the world.
Get us to a doctor. Take us. Make sure we take the meds if we seem like we don’t want to.
Take us for walks. Short walks at first, but walk outside. Exercise is a huge help for us but we can’t change patterns easily and so starting a walk is hard.
Help us with practical things – doing our laundry or cleaning. If possible we should help but don’t overwhelm us with a huge plan to fix all the things wrong in the household. Do something reasonable and directly obvious.
Doing productive things helps. So if we had a hobby like knitting or drawing or whatever, come over and do it with us for a while.
Put us in new situations. Not overwhelming ones – just things that make our brain move outside the existing pathways that have us tied into a rut of nothingness. A concert in the park, a new restaurant, the zoo, anything that is not the usual.
Encourage us to talk or write about our issues and frustrations.
Don’t assume we aren’t trying because we didn’t do something.
Don’t hide what you are doing, pretending you are not trying to help. Explain why you are doing it and why it’s a good idea for us. Depressed people aren’t stupid and we want to get better. Manipulation is condescending.
Don’t wait for us to ask. We probably won’t.

Good Advice

Do you want to avoid pregnancy? Tie some goat innards or weasel testicles around your neck.

This is advice from the past. Actual published advice according to Elizabeth P Archibald.

Now, I know what you are thinking. “How ridiculous. How ignorant.” But you obviously have not thought it through.

How often do you suppose a woman with the fresh intestines of a goat wrapped around her neck gets laid? (let alone a smelly weasel testicle) How often?

Exactly. And abstinence, as the GOP is fond of reminding us, is a solution for avoiding pregnancy.

I wonder if the GOP has considered endorsing this insightful old method for birth control. The tie-in is glorious. Of course, would they be willing to have Obamacare pay for the wholesale slaughter of goats and the de-balling of weasels? You know the de-balling of weasels cannot be cheap.

Good Advice – Sometimes its hard to implement. But – Weasels & Goats are way cute. They would make great advertising mascots.

Being called a cunt…Is it really a bad thing?

Let’s think about this. Why do we get upset when called a cunt?

Basically being a cunt means:

Men (and a good number of women) will do just about anything to get some time with me, despite the fact that I’m not all that attractive. In other words, they love me for what I am, not what I look like.
When people touch me, I feel AWESOME!!.
When I touch other people, they feel awesome!
Making other people happy makes me feel explosively happy.
I am flexible and expandable.
I am a conduit to life.

I can’t find one demeaning thing in being called a cunt (or vagina)

Find a new insult. This one lacks a lot of the sting that is intended.

Georgette Heyer – Weekly Smile

I have read Georgette Heyer’s novels – the historical ones, at least 10 times. Some of them significantly more.

They are old friends. I know what is going to happen, but visiting Heyer’s world is always going to make me smile. I know the characters, I know what is going to be said, I know what is going to happen. But just like talking old friends, there is a pleasant joining of phrases, known and beautiful that make me relax and know that life is OK. They make me smile.

These books have kept me company while I sat for endless hours in hospital rooms, while eating alone in a restaurant, while flying across the country in a plane. They have made the unendurable stress of being helpless bearable. They have cheered up moments of loneliness. They have made time pass pleasantly.

I will never be able to thank her for the gift of her words. But they have given me a great many smiles.