Foolish Assumptions

So, the other day a troll landed on my site and told me I couldn’t use the term “It’s a Thought” because he wrote a book with that name.

I decided not to feed the troll and among the very valid reasons was a petty one. I thought he used “It’s” wrong because he used an apostrophe. I have been using its instead of it’s for the contraction it is. Convinced that I was doing it right.

Then K E Garland and I started to chat about it and she pointed out, quite kindly, that I was wrong.

Here’s the thing. I was utterly sure. I didn’t question myself. I didn’t check it. I was SURE so there was no need to check it.

Think about that for a while. I mean apostrophes are unimportant in the grand scheme of things. It’s just a funny “I’m an idiot” story. I have had this happen to me before. On a much larger and more soul horrifying way. But it points to the fact that I am wrong about other things that I don’t even know to question.

How many things in my life are there that I am so convinced of that I don’t even think about them and I’m WRONG. How Many? This is a silly reminder to stay vigilant to my assumptions.

Hundreds and Hundreds of tiny assumptions and some of them are WRONG.

Review of A Cat

3 out of 5 stars

Seller did not mention that parts continually fall off the model. Small, barely detectable parts then accumulate on all surfaces in detectable amounts. Its apparently supposed to do that, but its seriously inconvenient.

There was an attempt on the part of the manufacturer to create a system, within the model I obtained, to collect the parts before they fall off and then eject them in one place. But this is VERY disgusting and the ejection often takes place in a place inconvenient to myself.

Overall, I cannot recommend the model to anyone who has an issue with deep cleanliness.
There are redeeming “cute” and “cuddly” features, which keeps me from just throwing out the model in favor of a new vacuum cleaner. It’s probably a personal preference.

If you choose to keep the model, I would recommend training yourself to accept and ignore the constant interference that will be inflicted on you. Since you chose to keep it, you probably love it, so throwing it across the room is not an option, however justified it may seem objectively. Instead you must learn to adjust your daily functions to accommodate for whatever it wants to do. Because, its going to do it regardless.

Work – Why again?

smbc work — Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal – SMBC

Its the People, Not the Stuff

I think life is not about what you have, or where you are, or even what you have done. Life is about who you are with and the moments you share with them.

We forget that because our culture emphasizes what kind of home you have, what kind of clothing you have, what kind of phone you have. The first thing people want to know about you is what you do. And we play the ‘places we have been” at parties like its a trump card.

We pursue the larger home, the better career, and newest thing because we think these things are the key to happiness.

But all of that is just the supportive structure for who you are with. Because the interactions between people are how we define ourselves and how we enjoy our lives.

Our happiest moments are when we are with people we love. People are important. Everything is just support for that forgotten fact.

We think that going on vacation will make us happy. But its not the vacation, its the people we enjoy the vacation with that make us enjoy it. We think having a large home will make us happy, but not if you are lonely in your large home.

I’m a depressed introvert and I still know this is true. I may not always want to in the same room with people, but people are the substance of all the best moments of my life. And the worst.

Our culture has made us forget the essential thing that makes human life bearable is humans. The moments between us are the real value in our lives.

When where you live is not your home.

“How terrible to live surrounded by the stark, sharp, hollowness of things that simply were enough.” – Patrick Rothfuss

Two and a half years ago I moved into this apartment. I did not choose it.

This apartment is part of a housing subsidy for the mentally ill. I qualified because my depression had been so nonfunctional that it caused me to be homeless.

I was grateful to get it.

However, my sisters, in an utterly misguided attempt to help a homeless woman with a mental illness, had put most of my belongings into a storage locker for me so I wouldn’t lose them while I was homeless.

They effectively turned my belongings into a physical reminder that my stuff had more value to my sisters than I did. And so as much as I longed to just never see my stuff again, I had to let my sisters get it out of storage because they were paying a monthly fee for it.

They moved my things into my new shelter. An apartment I didn’t choose. They unpacked a few boxes that day before they left.

I didn’t unpack anything else for 2 months after they left and then I flunked my first inspection because I didn’t unpack. So I unpacked. MOSTLY.

I left 3 boxes – one with all of my pictures, one with a bunch of kitchen stuff and one with I don’t know what. I have never opened it. And clearly I don’t miss it.

Before this time, I was very particular about the space where I lived. I always decorated and surrounded myself with things that I loved. Things that mattered to me.

But those things that I used to surround myself with belong to a different me. Those things, in boxes now, represent a lot of emotional turmoil for me. They didn’t belong to me anymore. They belong to my sisters, who paid for their continued existence. Just like this place where I live doesn’t belong to me, it belongs to the depression.

I have enough. I have shelter and furniture and safety. I eat food. I have enough.

I used to have things that were a delight to me. I used to have a home.

I want a home. I want to be able to take delight in the world that surrounds me. I’m thinking about how to make that happen.

I do not picture myself throwing out everything in the apartment in a great purge. Although it sounds rather delightful.

I think I need to throw some things out and make friends again with others. I think I need to allow myself to decorate this apartment. To let it be a home.

Amazon is drunk. Someone call a taxi.

I clicked on “My Amazon” – which is a list of recommendations based on my viewing history. Its seemed kind of OK. And then it became clear that Amazon was abusing the punch bowl at this party.

First was the insult. tumblr_inline_o3xvjlc1251rnoq8u_540

Then it got that weird thing where things don’t add up: tumblr_inline_o3xvpslrmb1rnoq8u_540

And then it just stopped making any sense AT ALL: tumblr_inline_o3xvrjxosf1rnoq8u_540

And then things just got to be freaky creepy: tumblr_inline_o3xvtxb1ir1rnoq8u_540

Someone REALLY needs to call the taxi for Amazon.

Snags have been reached.

The vacuum is wounded. If not mortally, it is no longer able to function at its primary job of carpet suckage.

And thus all the world is ending in a terrible tidal wave of futility and despair.

I might be exaggerating.

But the bedroom floor is definitely looking worse than it did before I started vacuuming. So futility is on menu.

And despair is a close cousin when I attempt to wrestle with this damn vacuum. I thought I fixed the wound but it continues to be nearly useless at doing anything but redistributing the things it is attempting to suck up.

I am going to shoot it and be done with it.

Its not a great vacuum. Taking it to vacuum doctor will cost as much as a new vacuum of the same quality.

This is annoying for a lot of reasons. The first is that I have very little desire to spend my hard earned money on a vacuum. The second is that I will have to go to Walmart: House of Shame.

Mostly, I just don’t want to go to Walmart. Its big and overwhelming and I will likely get there and they won’t have the one I want and I will consider another version but will feel like I should just try another walmart and …

Sigh. Journey to Walmart: The Challenge is on the list now.

How I get things done with depression/anxiety.

I am in that temper that if I were under water I would scarcely kick to come to the top.

~John Keats

That is what depression is for me at its worst. Its apathy of the greatest and most destructive sort and when its manageable its a fight to gain enough traction to move.

When its manageable, I have to set up systems or I won’t win. These are methods, tricks, processes I use to get myself to do the simple everyday tasks that you do without much thought.

The best systems are habits. For example, my morning routine includes things that are habit. I clean the kitty litter every morning before I leave for work. I take out the trash when I leave the apartment. They just happen without much thought. And once the habit is there, it has to be a very bad day indeed to stop the habit.

But some things are just not tasks you can turn into a habit. For example, I’m not going to vacuum my house daily.

So I set up a list of tasks that I will do. The items on the list are not huge. It does not say for example: Clean the Bathroom. It says clean the sink. Clean the toilet. Sweep the floor. Mop the floor. Clean the tub.

Then I set up a timer. The timer is set for 45 minutes or an hour. When it goes off I do a task for 5 minutes or until its done, whichever is first. Then I reset the timer. If I don’t finish the task, it has to be finished when the timer goes off next.

When I do that all day, I get a clean apartment, clean clothing, etc.

The thing is that nothing on the list is overwhelming. And nothing on the list takes more than 5 minutes in normal circumstances.

Another thing I do is time how long it takes me to do onerous tasks. Cleaning kitty litter used to be a bugaboo of mine. I used to put huge blocks in my mind around it. So one day I timed how long it took. 45 seconds. It stopped being onerous when I realized it took less than a minute of my life. Sometimes my brain creates disproportional views of things – and taking a simple step like timing it creates an objective ruler to break into my misconception.

I want to create more habits. Routines that get done daily. However starting and sustaining a routine for long enough to become a habit is hard. My attempts have been failures so far.

Depression is not a static thing. It changes daily and even hourly. Its on a continuum. Sometimes I just don’t move. Stillness. I can’t even get out of bed to go to work. I’m nonfunctional. There is no hope at all to exercise willpower. Its not even in my list of options.

Sometimes I’m functional. And if I pull out the mental whip and beat myself with it I can get some basic things done like going to work. Its a weird terribly unhealthy way to get myself to move.

Sometimes I functional and hopeful. And in those days I work with systems and goals..

Today I’m functional and hopeful. Today is a good day.

Good Morning from Lily & I

lily computer I had lots of exciting plans for this weekend…

OK. Exciting might possibly be hyperbole. I had plans. To organize and clean and cook.

And now the lifesucking weekend is here and I can already feel it is going to be a battle.

I may be the only person in the world who does not like weekends. Or to be more precise – days off.

I need days off. But when they arrive I stop moving. And all productive things happen only if all the stars align, if I implement a process of timers and lists and and my brain isn’t using the ONE RING* to ruin my life.

My life is a strange dichotomy. At work, I’m very productive. I do things both required and not required. But when I leave work, it all falls apart. I want so much to transfer the way I am at work to the rest of my life. But I have yet to figure out the way to do that.

To be clear – depression/anxiety doesn’t disappear at work. I still struggle with focus and make ridiculous mistakes because of it. I have elaborate quality check processes because of this.

I still isolate at work. I keep my back to the room, and don’t socialize much when I’m at work. People will talk to me and I will respond with my back to them. I’m not acting like a normal person there.

But I do get things done. And I mostly don’t get stuff done at home. I sit in bed all day, playing on the internet or reading.

Anyway, I’m going to begin the battle to make things happen today. First the list.

*ONE RING: Used to “rule them all” or to ruin my life with Anxiety/Depression.

How To Control Your Craving – with your BRAIN.

Apparently, if you imagine eating the thing you crave it helps. Well. You can’t imagine eating it once. You have to imagine eating it 30 times.

Yup. 30 times. You have to close your eyes and walk through the process of eating and savoring and enjoying your food of choice. 30 times in a row.

WHY ISN’T ANYTHING EASY?????

I mean who can just stop what they are doing to imagine eating a piece of cake over and over 30 times? It takes less than 5 minutes to eat cake, which I can do while working – it would probably take 15 to create the fantasy.

In my life, I would spend at least 12 hours of my day with my eyes closed snarfing my way down a Hogwarts style dining table. At some point, my employer is going to get annoyed with my constant war against the craving and just shove a piece of cake down my throat.