I had lots of exciting plans for this weekend…
OK. Exciting might possibly be hyperbole. I had plans. To organize and clean and cook.
And now the lifesucking weekend is here and I can already feel it is going to be a battle.
I may be the only person in the world who does not like weekends. Or to be more precise – days off.
I need days off. But when they arrive I stop moving. And all productive things happen only if all the stars align, if I implement a process of timers and lists and and my brain isn’t using the ONE RING* to ruin my life.
My life is a strange dichotomy. At work, I’m very productive. I do things both required and not required. But when I leave work, it all falls apart. I want so much to transfer the way I am at work to the rest of my life. But I have yet to figure out the way to do that.
To be clear – depression/anxiety doesn’t disappear at work. I still struggle with focus and make ridiculous mistakes because of it. I have elaborate quality check processes because of this.
I still isolate at work. I keep my back to the room, and don’t socialize much when I’m at work. People will talk to me and I will respond with my back to them. I’m not acting like a normal person there.
But I do get things done. And I mostly don’t get stuff done at home. I sit in bed all day, playing on the internet or reading.
Anyway, I’m going to begin the battle to make things happen today. First the list.
*ONE RING: Used to “rule them all” or to ruin my life with Anxiety/Depression.
It's a Thought 
I am never as productive as I think I should be and I don’t have depression so I can understand very slightly your sense of not achieving things. Here it is Saturday morning. I have a ton of things to do but I’m on the computer.
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I too am much more productive at work. I think work, in general, is usually a structured environment with a lot of the same or similar things to be accomplished daily. Homelife, however, is free flow.
You choose what you want to do or not to and when to do it or not to do it. There’s no one who really depends upon you (unless you have children, pets and maybe a significant other) … but generally speaking it’s just you.
You may need to decompress after your work week — I know I do. And maybe for you decompression and / or relaxation means not doing much if anything.
One time in my teens I felt so overwhelmed by my messy room. My mom was complaining about it. I told her I didn’t even know where to start. She said start with the bed … make the the bed and the room already looks significantly better.
Around my house on weekends, sometimes I’m uber productive and sometimes I’m a super sloth. I would like to be consistent. My husband on the other hand jumps out of bed and is ready to tackle two or three projects non-stop … he is also very productive at work as well.
One thing that helps is that when I see something … like a toilet beginning to get a a ring, I shoot some toilet cleaner in it. I know I’ll clean it in a bit. I look around and see what needs to be done making a mental list and kind of a game … like when I get X done I’ll do Y, then when Y is done I’ll do Z. I never tell myself I will do X, Y AND Z. I make it like I’m only going to do one thing.
But again, I don’t know what your work entails and stress is different for everyone. You may just need your down time, but in the meantime try not to get down on yourself because it only makes this whole expectation thing a vicious cycle.
I haven’t done much today yet … I have taken a bath (always makes me feel good, and I noticed you’ve mentioned warm baths in a couple of your posts — perhaps, a warm bath could be a good starter), I’ve eaten breakfast and I’ve shot the toilet bowl with cleaner. I have many other things to do because look at my 142 blogs!!! Ha ha (no one posts every day thankfully).
Anyway, you did do something today! You wrote a post and that’s a lot more to be said than for people who struggle to get the words out and get something written! 🙂
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PS: I ❤ the photo of your kitty!
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Allow time for excursions on your list of errands. I have a lot of hiking trails I frequent, but will run errands before in the direction of a trail I am headed toward. For some reason, it gives me a greater sense of accomplishment.
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Thats a clever idea.
Unfortunately, excursions are something the depression mostly excludes. I think about them alot and don’t do much of them. sadly.
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I have similar methods for making myself do things. And I do think the fact that no one else is being effected if part of the problem.
I should write a post about my method for getting shit done.
The thing is – the process / method only works if my brain will switch into that mode. If I’m too deep in the hole of depression, I just don’t move. Its hard to explain that because obviously nothing is simpler than just getting up and moving. But when the depression is in charge, knowing its simple doesn’t help me do it. There is no energy and no motivation.
Still today the process is working and I’m winning the fight. So ACHIEVEMENT.
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Keep on keepin’ on. Celebrate the victories, when the resistance is high and you push through it.
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