Farts, Vibrators and Careers

face There are a large number of utterly silly things that my brain has shoved into the SHAME folder.

I recognize that its silly. I even recognize that pulling the stuff out of the folder and introducing them to the public at large would eventually eliminate the SHAME folder all together.

But SHAME is something of a habit. A process of expectations about what will happen if these things are mentioned and so…

The first of the Silly Shame files is Farts.
I fart. I would love to meet people and start the conversation by saying, “Hi, I’m Sara and I fart. Sometimes I fart unexpectedly and uncontrollably and at conspicuously odd moments. I feel I should just mention that up front.” Put it on top of the rug with the coffee table rather than sweep it under with the dust bunnies.

As things currently stand, I fart and then don’t mention it. Obviously everyone heard it. No one says anything because I didn’t. And then it just there. The gaseous elephant in the room.

The second of the Silly Shame Files is Vibrators.
I masturbate. So does everyone else. My vibrator died last week and I’m wondering where do other people go to buy a good vibrator in town? Is the place I go really not up to par? Is it the only place? Do other people have a preference of type? This should be discussed as often as shoes and good wine. There are so many facets to it. What if I’m not considering them all?

I mean I suppose I could google it, but then I would have to remember to erase the internet history and we are back at the SHAME folder again. Because no one should discuss this… I guess.

The third of the Silly Shame Files is I used to have a damn good career. I know,whose ashamed of that, right? Well, its more nuanced than that. Because if people know I used to have a damn fine career, making good money, heading to the corner office with actual door and officer parking. They will want to know why I’m now working a low paying job with no benefit and no future. And there it is – SHAME.

I have failed. I’m failing. I’m a mess. Actually the ‘I’m a mess’ part sums up the shame I would like to introduce and drag its kicking and screaming ass out into the light.

So I really think its best if I don’t go to any parties soon. I may well introduce myself as a flatulent masturbater who used to have a future but pissed it away and is now mostly interested in blogging and where to get her next vibrator.

Cross me off the guest list. Its best for everyone. `

Grilling out at Christmas

preparing_grill_for_grilling_grill_with_flames_and_cones Tonight, as I walked from my car to the door of the apartment, all I could smell was barbecue. My next door neighbor was grilling out. Beef. Over charcoal. That is a smell that will always make me smile.

And more so because its December and 45F degrees out. It filled the air and welcomed me.

Because that is what that smell is for me. Welcome. Its home. Its connectivity of family.

When I was a child my mother prepped all the food and I my father grilled it. It was a very cooperative effort. And then we all ate together.

As a teenager, I connect it to large family gatherings with lots of food and laughter and card games and being together.

As an adult I just savor the nostalgic feel of welcome and home it gives me.

My neighbor is a serious barbecuer. He doesn’t let weather stop him. In fact he lights up an old hibachi on cold weekends and they sit around it like its a camp fire, just chatting.

I like him. I’ve never met him but I like him because he welcomes me home with the smell of his barbecue.

In which my job is probably going to screw me.

youre-kidding-right-lc6vuw My job has never offered health insurance. In fact they have been very against Obamacare and paid the penalty rather than offer it.

So I have signed up through the Market Place. I re-upped last night through the Marketplace because Tomorrow is the deadline.

Today my boss came up and asked me if I had health coverage. Actually the way he said it, it sounded more like “you don’t need coverage, right?” He seemed to think I qualified for Medicare, I suppose because of my disability. After some back and forth, it became clear that he is going to offer a bare bones coverage through the office.

I asked for a brochure. He didn’t have one, he is having the people come out some time this week. He said I could hear what they have to say and see if it would be better. OK. Sounds reasonable.

TOMORROW IS THE FUCKING DEADLINE for the Marketplace, so why he put this off so fucking long… But OK, I guess.

So, I signed up to hear what they have to say. Tonight I googled and found out that I will have to sign up for it. Because I will lose the premium tax credit if I choose Market Place instead of employer insurance. Which triples the premium for the Market Place insurance.

And he has already alluded to the fact that this health insurance the company offers is whatever the minimum required by law is.

This is a big deal for me because I have just fucking gotten myself on the path to taking care of myself. I’m now on 3 prescriptions. I’m going have to have doctor follow ups 3-4x a year. And I won’t make enough money to cover a lot of it if the insurance doesn’t come through.

On the other hand, what he is offering is supposed to be cheap. So, maybe the savings will make up for that.

I’m not in a good place for them to screw me because they hates Obama.

I really need to get a job with decent benefits. One that pays well and has a future path for advancement. I need to do this. That will be the goal for 2016.

Protecting myself through Anonymity

Pic: Phil Monckton/CIOSP

I don’t tend to flaunt my actual identity online. I am not on facebook for that reason. I don’t want to mix my real life with my online life. Online is where I can be me without so many walls around my problems and feelings.

Also, I have always been keenly aware of this vague threat of strangers that basically defines my online experience. I don’t use facebook and so every person I interact with, every person I call friend online, is someone I have never met. And generally speaking I don’t expose myself to them.

I have rarely shown a picture of my face. I don’t use my name in my profiles or avatars. I have only met one other human being from the online world in real life. This however is due to depression keeping me isolated.

I’m not really afraid of you though. If someone I interact with online asks for my name and address so they can send me something, I provide it.

My online friends carried me through the darkest part of my life. They even sent me money unasked when I was homeless. They sent me postcards when I finally found shelter in a tiny room in a rooming house, so I would have something to fill up my bare walls. they have sent me gifts and kindness. They cheered loudest when I got a job. They never stopped listening. They filled my empty hours with silliness and kindness and an endless stream of support. And they never demanded anything from me.

But still my avatar remains an otter and my name remains hidden online.

I read something recently on why remaining anonymous on the internet is not good. How it leads to mistrust and abuse.

And I’ve been questioning my anonymous state. Maybe its time to show my name. I was on my Gravatar a moment ago and nearly changed it from itsathought2 to my name. I ended up only adding my state. How weak of me.

Groceries are my nemesis.

carrefour_market_voisins-le-bretonneux_2012_09 Which considering the additional poundage I carry around… it doesn’t seem like this would be true. But it is.

I hate shopping and used to avoid it with a success that is attributed mostly to Depression being on my side with this.

But as I have managed the Depression, going to the grocery store has become a regular thing. 2x a week. Like an adult.

But I’m still REALLY bad at it. I buy the same things and I eat the same things over and over because my brain turns to mush once I enter the store. And this is the only way I can manage to buy anything.

In the deepest dark holes of depression, I have been known to wander the aisles helplessly, finally grab a box of frozen waffles and leave. I don’t like frozen waffles.

So now that I have foods that I know work – buying the same items is kind of a win. But I realize that this not healthy. In particular this set of items that I buy and eat.

Of course you are thinking – bring a list. And this is AN EXCELLENT SUGGESTION. Making a list has now become part of the problem.

The mush brain that attacks in the store has now extended to the list making activity.

Grocery Lists are based on what you will eat for the next week. What I will cook. What will I cook? I don’t know. Now we are facing a whole new problem.

Will I cook? Its a toss up with the heavy favorite being NO.

But maybe I would if I had the ingredients and a simple recipe.

OK. Lets look. Nothing seems quite right. Its too hard, it doesn’t sound good, I don’t have the right cookware… I give up.

But lets say I finally overcome all of that and make the list. I then arrive at the grocery with the miraculously remembered list and I stare at the list. I’m tired already and I just got the cart.

I am now longing for the quick and easy selection of food I know. I can be in and out of this hell hole in under 15 minutes if I just go buy the shit I always buy.

Sigh.

I move into buying the list and its all a never ending set of choices. I can’t just buy chicken breasts. Now I have to consider 5 different versions of fucking chicken breasts. Every damn thing is a decision and in my life those tiny decisions are just cutting little pieces of my will to continue away.

This is depression. The everyday choices that people make and don’t even really consider are like tiny energy drains in my brain. And each expenditure of energy to make an unfamiliar choice is costly.

That is why I eat the same things every day. That is why I buy the same groceries every week. Because the accumulation of choices to eat well is expensive. And I don’t have enough energy to pay for it.

Bullies and Bigots

There is a tumblr post going around about a guy who trolls an ignorant bigot on facebook.

Its funny. And I think its funny because the the ignorant bigot is so unbelievable to me. It feels like a Saturday Night Live sketch. Over the top. An exaggerated version of real life.

But stop. Wait. No. This is real. And then its just sad and a bit depressing about human nature on both sides.

This bigot is struggling along with the IQ probably pushing 90. Education failed him. He doesn’t know he’s struggling under this incapacity. He thinks he’s thinking.

The troll is warping along pretending he is some kind of heroic enlightened person pointing out the bigot, but in reality he is a bully pushing around the weak kid to get laughs.

The bigot isn’t going to change. He’s very likely incapable of it. His hateful ideology is part of his identity. And studies show that you generally need a certain level of intellect to change deeply held ideas and beliefs.

There are also studies that show that making something ridiculous changes people’s minds. And there is an entire sect of Atheists and Liberals who pursue this as an ideology. The followers of PZ Meyer come to mind. The bully knows he isn’t going to change the bigot’s mind. But he has an audience. And those people may be influenced.

Even though the bully and I share many of the same viewpoints, I will never give up on the concept that kindness is a better way to pursue life and that being a bully in any context is not the person I want to be.

I don’t think we have to pursue a taunting attitude when we stand up to bigotry. Although, I concede that it is often an easier one.

I’m new here… and its a bit disturbing…

welcome_mat The internet is very good at providing a cocoon of sameness. Google etal all have algorithms that recognize patterns in your online behavior. And they know if you are a liberal, for example. They then provide that sort of thing to you when you search.

This makes being online very very much more comfortable.

On tumblr, I started by following the people I met on Twitter. And then I followed the people those people followed and the people those people followed. And so on.

What I essentially did was create my own little algorithm of like minded people. As a result, a disproportionate number of the people I follow on tumblr are socially liberal. None are overtly religious.

I’m slowly migrating away from tumblr because its not supporting commenting and its become less enjoyable.

So I’m slowly meeting new people over here. But as I look about at the various blogs on here, I find I’m definitely outside the liberal zone I’m used to. There are blogs on here that make me cringe. I obviously don’t follow them, but I’m finding the search for community on wordpress is not as obvious or as easy to find.

And then there is the question of the like minded cocoon in the first place. Is it a good thing? Its comfortable. There is NO doubt about that. But is it good? Probably not.

On the other hand, my mental well being is not so great. And reading things that upset me, things that me cringe like hate and bigotry are not things that help the promote a healthy state of my mind.

So. Here I sit, a little bit disturbed about the neighborhood and wondering if its worth the effort to forage forward to find new friends.

Chaos and Kittens

Today my favorite podcast, Hello Internet, released another episode.

They don’t keep a schedule so every episode ends up feeling like a gift instead of an expectation. I’m quite sure they do it that way because they are busy but the secondary effect is surprise GIFT!

I love unintended secondary effects that are sweet. It’s a reminder that sometimes the universe does have a way of just settling down into a positive place.

It’s not always chaos and death. Sometimes it’s chaos and kittens.