I’m new here… and its a bit disturbing…

welcome_mat The internet is very good at providing a cocoon of sameness. Google etal all have algorithms that recognize patterns in your online behavior. And they know if you are a liberal, for example. They then provide that sort of thing to you when you search.

This makes being online very very much more comfortable.

On tumblr, I started by following the people I met on Twitter. And then I followed the people those people followed and the people those people followed. And so on.

What I essentially did was create my own little algorithm of like minded people. As a result, a disproportionate number of the people I follow on tumblr are socially liberal. None are overtly religious.

I’m slowly migrating away from tumblr because its not supporting commenting and its become less enjoyable.

So I’m slowly meeting new people over here. But as I look about at the various blogs on here, I find I’m definitely outside the liberal zone I’m used to. There are blogs on here that make me cringe. I obviously don’t follow them, but I’m finding the search for community on wordpress is not as obvious or as easy to find.

And then there is the question of the like minded cocoon in the first place. Is it a good thing? Its comfortable. There is NO doubt about that. But is it good? Probably not.

On the other hand, my mental well being is not so great. And reading things that upset me, things that me cringe like hate and bigotry are not things that help the promote a healthy state of my mind.

So. Here I sit, a little bit disturbed about the neighborhood and wondering if its worth the effort to forage forward to find new friends.

The world is a horrible place.

597px-veave_in_jail And it always has been.

But most of the time my mind is effective at filtering and ignoring the horror.

Today it is not. And all I can see is the terribleness of things that have happened, things that are still happening and the horrors keep inflicting themselves inside my brain.

I call this the crawls. Because I want to crawl outside my brain. To hide.

But I’m trapped in here.

Today is another day.

la_vesvre_de_saisy_morning_mist Specifically, its day 8 of antidepressants.

Day 7 was a failure. I did not go to work. But sat in stillness in my bed.

Say what you will about time, it will always give you another chance.

There is always the next day, the next minute, the next week. It just keeps on marching and dragging us with it.

So today is a new start. One where I will go to work. And earn a living. And it will be better than yesterday. Continue reading “Today is another day.” →

Maybe there is Hope.

Maybe we should just take her down.

statue of liberty

You know what the poem inside says?

Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

I imagine a future of Trump Land, where she will be dismantled and a large gold Trump sign will be erected with something printed below about being the home of white rich people who claim christian descent, if not actual practice.

Although, to be fair, we have ignored with impunity the sentiments of this poem for longer than is seemly.

Trump is merely the next logical step to our ever more legalized xenophobia.

In Which I take encouragement from a bad day.

Today was not grand. Again.

But I went to work and there was a rather dangerous moment this morning when I wasn’t going. I do best when I have something I need to do. And when I remembered that I had unfinished work on my desk, I got up and went to work. Easy peasy.

I did not enjoy the day. The trainee is… a hoverer. This is bothersome. I am not in the best place for being patient and I snapped at him at least once.

But the brain is the reason the day was bad. It won’t stay focused and it is having a very grand time making me feel like a large dung heap. I think of all the very valid reasons why I suck as a human. And this is not conducive to feeling particularly cheery.

And all of this while taking antidepressants.

But I’ve only been on them for 6 days. So. Not really fair to blame them. Or is it?

Because I remembered. Some people commit suicide when they first start taking anti depressants. And that is what I found encouraging.

Stick with me on this.

I’m feeling like so much crap – worse in some respects than I did during the 3 weeks in the deep hole of last month. Its all centered around this self disgust. And then I realized – its the drug. It creates this sensation before it makes things better. A sensation that makes people feel bad enough to give up.

A doctor once told me that people commit suicide after starting the drugs because it makes people feel well enough that they have the energy to act out the suicidal thoughts. But after these last few days – I think not. I think its magnifies the bad for a period of time before it moves into the good.

No proof of course. Just me thinking.

I’m not suicidal. But damn, this is not pleasant.

Did I ever tell you about our Charlie Brown Christmas Tree?

In my last year at college, my friends and I were facing Finals just before Christmas. This is a time of extreme stress in college life.

One night, we decided we needed a Christmas tree to cheer us up. As a group, we were NOT wealthy. So we went to the Christmas tree lot with the full intention of buying the cheapest tree on the lot.

We did not intend to spend more than $5 on this tree. We spend $7.50 after intense negotiation on a tree that would never have sold.

It was – well it was scraggly and not quite straight and there was a very large hole one side with no branches at all. But we loved it as our very own Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.

We took the tree to my friend’s uncle and he provided us with an old stand and cut the bottom as is customary.

We then went to our rooms and took down the Christmas lights we had used to decorate our rooms and strung them with abandon around our lopsided tree.

We popped popcorn and spent hours stringing it. We cut out paper snowflakes and wrote sweet notes to each other on them.

And then we got all of our bedding from our various rooms and had a tremendously enjoyable sleep over in the light of our Gorgeous Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.

That was the best tree I ever had. It was beautiful. It was spontaneous and it was about doing something with people you love to make a thing that in many ways represented the love we felt for each other.

For me that is what Christmas will always be. Not gifts. But the making of something together. The experience of being with people you love to make something that means that love.

I wish I had a picture of that. But alas, I did not go to college in the era of cellphones. If there was a picture, and there may have been, it is gone.

Today was a day…

I worked 2 hours over. And I still wasn’t done.

I’m not doing that tomorrow. Just so you know. I’m NOT.

I was going to go in early and then I remembered I’m supposed to go to the doctor tomorrow.

And I’m going to demand drugs for this mental illness. I am.

I’m really bad at this.

I have a hard time verbalizing this issue. And I know that seems crazy when you look at all the crap I write on Tumblr, but its true.

So. Anyway. That’s the goal. Verbalize to the doctor that I am struggling.

I will report back on this subject tomorrow.

Continue reading “Today was a day…” →

Mission Impossible 80bagillion

Here’s what I have to say about it.

This franchise knows how to put on a decent action movie.

They aren’t cutting any new ground, but they know how the formula works and they work it well.

Which begs the question – why is it so hard for Hollywood to create a mindlessly entertaining movie? So many suck ass movies have tried to do the formula and yet failed to pull off the formula.

Its apparently not as easy as it would appear.