If you use the phrase Brutal Honesty to defend a statement – you are probably a Virtuous Asshat.

If you blurt your fact while feeling righteous about being honest, you may want to consider whether the virtuous asshat label fits your head. Telling people things that will hurt them because you consider yourself HONEST is asinine.

Honesty is NOT the greatest virtue. If your information is not going to help a situation but is just going to hurt someone SHUT UP.

Honesty does not necessarily need to come from you. You are even part of this issue? Do you need to say ANYTHING AT ALL? Did anyone ask you? If then answer is no, SHUT UP.

If you just state the bald fact that you know is going to hurt someone, but you recognize it and don’t feel noble about it, then you are not a virtuous asshat. But you are probably an asshat.

There are ways to be honest without being brutal. It takes effort and kindness. It takes longer, it requires being quiet and gentle. It’s hard.

Its easier to either skip the honesty or go with the bald fact. Being “brutally honest” is the lazy asshole’s excuse for being a dick.

People don’t remember what you say nearly as long as they remember how you made them feel.

I’m going to rant about WordPress now.

You might want to skip over this.

If you have a reader community – then the key is the to make the reader easy to use without a great deal of involvement on my part.

But wordpress has created all of these layers. I scroll down the reader, I read the first 3 sentences and then I have to click. Then in more than 50% of the cases, I’m going to have click AGAIN to go to their website to read the rest of the post. And then… if the post was a reblog, I may have to click AGAIN to get the original post to get to finish the damn post.

I’ll be honest, you have to be PRETTY compelling to get me to click over to your website. If you have not already established yourself in my mind as someone who interests me, I’m NOT going to click to your site.

What BAFFLES ME is why require the click to the site?

What also baffles me is why I can’t set my blog to show my entire post on the front page of the reader. Its obviously possible because randomly you see it happen, its even happened to me but I don’t know why. Is it just WordPress being random?

And also, why can’t I find my own posts sometimes on the reader? I post, I get a star or comment and yet – I don’t see it on the reader? Why the hell not?

Does that mean I’m not seeing all the posts of the people I follow? Because if so, that really pisses me off. I want to decide for myself who to read and not read. I don’t want the Reader deciding.

Spoilsport, Me.

I don’t like practical jokes. I never get the humor when its played on me, I never end up laughing after the initial scare, inconvenience or pain. I get angry and I stay angry.

But it is bad form not to accept the joke played on you with grace, so I keep the long term anger inside and let my tormentors enjoy their laugh, with culturally appropriate grace.

But I don’t understand the point. Why is it wonderfully funny to scare the crap out of someone, make their life harder or more painful? It’s not a surprise to anyone but the victim, but still the jokers laugh hysterically.

Taken apart, a practical joke is just cruel. But we don’t call it cruel, because we have decided it wasn’t done with evil intent. It was done to be funny. Why isn’t it considered evil to do a mean thing to someone that you like, just so you can laugh? I don’t know.

I think the laughter is what gives people the free pass. We are OK with a lot of crappy things if people laugh. There’s a whole bit that Conan O’Brian does with somebody in his office where he’s basically a dick. And we laugh, so its OK. If it wasn’t funny, then we would think that Conan is a dick.

But I think Conan is being a dick in any case. Just like I think people who pull practical jokes are often being dicks. But our culture thinks, hey its OK that they were a dick to that person because its funny.

There is a whole subculture on the internet of ADULT people who run elaborate phone pranks on people. They get together and swap stories and ideas. Things like calling a person and pretending to be from Verizon Customer Service and trying to get someone who tweeted an angry complaint down. They end up berating the tweeter. Its beyond my understanding. Why would you basically call to annoy and upset another human that you don’t eve know. As a JOKE.

I wonder if the practical joke is the evil part of our brain, that each of us carries around, finding a harmless way to get some exercise.

I know I’m not alone in hating the practical joke, but I am in the minority. I’m also in the even smaller minority of people who think that being a dick to entertain yourself or other people is a terrible way to live your life.

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Not many people convert to nonbeliever.

Hero4thought wrote a very interesting post about the differences between believers and nonbelievers. And it got me thinking about why rejecting the idea of a deity is so hard, despite there being no real concrete reason to accept that one exists.

Having been a born again christian and finally wandering my way to nonbeliever, I think people choose religion because it’s comfort.

Its the comfort of feeling like something large and important is somehow going to make it all work out in the end. There’s a plan, life is not just pointless.

Its the comfort that you can reach out in fear to something stronger than you. This feels very important when your life is spiraling out of control.

Its the comfort that you at least pray to the deity in charge when there is nothing you can do. This beats the crap out of sitting helpless next to a hospital bed.

Its the comfort of simple answers and directions instead of complex variable and vague options. Its easy to understand the directions in religious text – do this, don’t do that, this is how things work… Compare that to philosophy, physics and evolution.

Its the comfort of being part of a defined group that shares your values and ideas. Very few groups provide the cohesive structure and support that religions offer. Its nice to belong.

Its the comfort of not having to think about a thing because the answer has already been provided for you and you are not encouraged to think, just reference the answer. And to be honest, our entire school system is supporting this habit.

Its the comfort of having your existence continue even after death. It took me a while to get used to the idea that I would no longer exist. Even the knowledge that I wouldn’t be aware of my nonexistence didn’t stop me from feeling uncomfortable about it.

Humans prefer comfort and simplicity. Nonbelief is not a big fluffy mental comforter, it will occasionally makes me feel like I am naked and alone and confused. ea1e3a3d5af24ed64b409c82a9f78f82

It also makes me feel like I have discovered new lands, seen new wonders, stood up in maelstrom of uncontrollable forces and not just survived it, but learned its nature and rode it to new places. Being a nonbeliever mostly makes me feel stronger than the believer.

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Would you want to live forever?

I have asked this question to quite a number of people.

But surprisingly few people want to live forever. And even those who say they would, (like me) hedge the idea by saying “just a long time” or “if I can choose when I die.” But most people flat out don’t want to live forever.

What I find interesting about this is that most religions are based on the concept of eternal life. Life forever. And western religions seem to espouse the fact that you will be you during the eternity, maybe not bodily, but essential you will exist. Reincarnation doesn’t do that. It gives you a clean memory and you get a fresh start. Although, eventually I think you end up in an eternal heaven of some kind. But not western religions. You are stuck with yourself – forever.

I always assumed that eternal life was one of the features that drew believers into fold. But upon consideration, I suppose its probably the blissful eternity that draws people who are currently living in misery.

Still, to me, bliss forever seems less appealing than dealing with the messiness of life here on earth. Yeah, we struggle in the mire of our weaknesses, but we triumph in the shining moments. Eternal Bliss is ultimately eternal sameness. Nothing is different. Uniformity of everything. I think… NOT for me.

I think the change is what life is. I don’t want eternal sameness. I want the winding road of struggle and triumph. Of laughter and tears. Of smooth and rough. I like the chaos. I like the complexity. Bliss is Beige for Ever.

This lifetime’s miseries are not sufficient to appreciate an eternity of bliss. Surely after a couple hundred years we will forget what misery is. And then its just boredom for billions and billions of years.

No, I would prefer to live a very long life and choose my time for death. And then it will just be over. No more me. No more awareness. No more.

Too bad its not a choice.

My 35 Year Trip to Non Believer

I call myself a non-believer, but I suppose technically I’m agnostic. I don’t deny the utter possibility of some universe creator, but have concluded that if one exists its beyond my capacity to understand or interact with it on any meaningful level. And its interest in me would likely amount to my interest in Amoeba. So for daily life, I don’t think there is any god.

I wasn’t always in this place. I was not taught about God by my parents. My grandma took me to church when I visited her and when she visited us, but beyond that my parents left me to explore the question on my own.

When I was 16 I became a born again Christian. I accepted Christ because it was such a beautiful idea. A God who loves me just as I am, who doesn’t care about the fact that I’m messed up. I read the bible through and through. I went to bible study and bible camps and joined Campus Crusade when I went to college.

In college my path was a bit erratic. I was easily enticed to the sinful life of drinking and wild parties and sex. But ultimately I settled back into a spiritual life, kept the belief and in my senior year I wanted to be a missionary to Russia. (back then Russia was considered Godless because of communism.) I was turned down for a mission trip to Russia with Campus Crusade because I was fat. Its a silly story, but suffice to say it was a blow that caused me to reconsider.

At that point I looked more closely at organized churches and was sickened by the hypocrisy. There is an undercurrent of competition to be “holier than thou” in spirit filled churches. How many people did you bring to Christ? How many bible studies do you participate in? How many do you lead? What sorts of mission work have you done? The prayers in church are not for the benefit of god, they are for the benefit of the congregation or the gathered group – to show everyone how pious the person praying out loud is. I could go on, but it was nauseating for me.

I still believed in God. I just did not think the church was the best way to have a relationship with him. I continued to read the bible and pray. But once away from the church, my mind was free to look more closely at the bible and at what I thought of God. And I found that I really didn’t think the bible was literal. It really wasn’t possible. It must be more metaphorical.

Then I met a man who practiced Hinduism. He explained karma and dharma. And while reincarnation seemed somewhat odd to me, I couldn’t help but see that at least the concepts of karma were reflective of real world physical laws. Cause and Effect. As opposed the eternal life insurance policy sold by Christian churches. I started reading about Buddhism and Taoism. I was quite enchanted with Taoism, but I never embraced any of them as a practical philosophy or religion.

As time went on, I left behind the bible. It wasn’t a sudden epiphany. It was a slow wandering of ideas and thoughts about what we know about God. It seemed wholly unlikely that God was described by any book created by man.

It seemed more likely that God was reflected in his creation. And if that was so, it was pretty clear that God was very fond of action leads to consequence. After all, it was already built into the world we lived in. So – it was very unlikely that the Christ Insurance Policy was God.

Nor did I think Hell existed. To what purpose? I couldn’t find one in anything I saw, so no Hell. Heaven? Unlikely for the same reasons. If anything, reincarnation might be possible, but there certainly wasn’t much reason for that either.

After more thought wandering it became clear that what I believed was of no relevance at all. Any being who created the universe was a much more complex being than I could possibly fathom on any level. Such a being would have no interest in whether or not I knew of its existence, much less whether I worshiped it. No, my belief would be irrelevant.

Since, my belief would be irrelevant, I was able to let go of all the fragile threads that held me to the idea of God. He either exists or he doesn’t. There is no evidence that he does. Since I have already established that its irrelevant whether I believe, I live my life as though God doesn’t exist.

So, now I don’t believe. In fact I try not to believe anything, which is why I usually identify as a non-believer. Belief is a thing we have to defend. Ideas are things we develop and change when new more compelling information is brought forward. I try to keep myself to ideas.

What of my purpose? What of my morality? I think who I am is defined by me. I think living a life based on critical thinking and on creativity is my path. Knowledge is one of the most worthwhile goals of my life. Its my thing. Its not yours. What you think is how you define you.

My morality is based on my own internal compass. Its not nearly as strict as religion or government.

I don’t think any sexual action that is consensual and non-detrimental to either party is bad.
I think hurting anyone, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or financially is bad.
I think all people have the right to freedom, happiness and the best health that science can offer.
I think people have a right to choose their own death.
I think all of the above is oversimplified and should be weighed in the complexity of the individual situation.

Well, I guess I won’t go on, but you will note that while I am sinful as defined by most religions, I am not amoral. I don’t consider anarchy and murder and hate to be acceptable. I think compassion and kindness are the most noble things a human can be.

I am not evangelical in my thoughts. I share them if someone wants to have an open learning discussion, but not if someone wants to try and convert my viewpoint to theirs. I really don’t care what anyone else thinks or believes.

If you are a religious person, that is fine with me. I used to be and I remember how much it helped me at that point in my life, how much solace I got from it.

I do, however, have a problem when anyone tries to make their religion into laws, or tries to make it part of public school curriculum, or tries to limit the rights and freedoms of any person. That I will fight.

We need to change the social structure

of what it is acceptable for women to say.

Do you know how cultural standards get put into place? Our monkey brains just process what is happening around us and without even thinking about it we learn and accept what the role of everyone is. We absorb a lot of that stuff on TV, in movies, on the internet and of course in observing the interactions around us. We mimick each other and these roles for people just get drilled deeper and deeper into our heads. And we never even think about it.

I was raised by a bitch. I say this with love and someday I will share my mother and her strength with you. But while it wasn’t always enjoyable it taught me several things.

If you don’t like something Don’t Put Up With It.

But you see that isn’t the acceptable role for women. If you won’t put up with it, you are labeled a bitch. Not putting up with it doesn’t fit the social role of women today.

Women are consistently reinforced in roles that are submissive and told that we are connectors, cultivators, supporters and that we make everyone FEEL better. That is what we are told our strength is. Go to a diversity leadership seminar – that’s what they will say.

Do you know WHY we have to create such elaborate processes for sexual harassment? Because the ENTIRE rest of society is putting women in the role of ‘shut up and just accept it.’ Because the society has told men that its OK to treat a woman as an object to be touched or casually sexualized. That’s their role.

Imagine if society was different. What if the role that women fill included an immediate response of “get your hands off me and keep them off.” or “Don’t talk like that to me again.” Today, a man saying that does not feel incongruous. A woman doing it is a bitch.

Imagine if women didn’t feel even slightly odd or worried about marching into HR and creating a report that could get someone fired because there was no predisposition that suggested that this was NOT the role of connector and a supporter. What if there wasn’t even a whiff of possibility of her own culpability in just being a woman who was present at the time of the incident of her own harassment?

If we changed the acceptable role of women and men – we would stop A LOT of this Creeper behavior in its tracks. Most of it rolls along because men get no immediate resistance. Because women have been socialized to internally cringe, find socially acceptable ways to avoid, to wait until its many layers beyond disgusting to even consider filing a complaint.

The numberless times that women don’t even do more than half laugh and create an awkward pause when some idiot says something creepy is perpetuating the problem, teaching creepers that their ridiculous behavior is normal. And the reason that we do that is because society has taught us to shut up and not make waves. And breaking out of a socialized role is deeply hard. And that doesn’t even take into consideration the particular path of that woman’s life which may add even more barriers to her resistance.

Its a self perpetuating cycle.

Well, I for one, intend to just be the fucking bitch. The rest of the world can just get used to it. Its awkward, its uncomfortable and its unfair. But creepers… fuck em. I’m taking them down as I see them. No prisoners.

Maybe by next generation my bitchiness can be the norm. And no one will think women are being a bitch because they don’t accept it when their boss calls them darling, their coworker asks if they plan to get laid tonight and the guy at the bar tries to give an unwanted massage.

Maybe because its normal to call a man on his creeper behavior we will have fewer creepers in the following generation.

I have a dream of no creepy.

“You Dress Too Young”

Someone decided that when you are an adult, you are no longer allowed to be frivolous joyful or silly. Such things are for the young. Who decided this???

Then the Judgy Asshats took it a step further and summarily included bright colors, tight clothes, revealing tops, and edgy outfits in the “Too Young” category.

If you feel good in clothing that is predominantly worn by young women, then dammit, wear it! If you love bright colors, glitter and random feathers flaunt that stuff! You want to wear your Star Wars Lightsaber – go for it!

There is no such thing as “too young” or “she’s trying to recapture her youth”. Fuck that view and the backwards ass it rode in on.

If you enjoy wearing the current fads and you feel good in them, then flash that shit around and ignore every small minded bitch who comments behind your back or to your face. Fashion is fun, and the funkier it is the more fun it is.

There is an AMAZING bit of film on 5 women whose average age is 80. They understand. If you don’t, go watch them.

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You might have decided from this post that I am walking around in some wild and wonderful outfits. Alas, this is not the case. My tastes tend toward the conservative and my depression depletes the energy it takes to look fabulous. But I do enjoy glitter, blue nail polish and am constantly considering dying my hair blue.

I do have a 50 something friend who has the lithe body of reminiscent of a teenager. She looks 15 years younger than she is. She works hard at it and she wears clothes and styles that highlight it. And every jealous bitch out there tells her she is dressing too young. Its all about jealousy not about reality.

Presidential Material

When faced with the decision about how to cast my vote, I look at it the way I looked at hiring an employee. First I have define what experiences and abilities are needed to be successful at the job.

Then I look at what I want them to accomplish in the position.

Beyond their political stance – I want the person I vote for to have certain character traits and abilities that make them a good President.

The President should consider the well being of the country in the long term as paramount over the considerations of the next election cycle.
The President should have a firm plan of their own vision for the country. Those ideas should be the result of processed thought and education and not vague generalizations. They should have a serious and detailed plan for how they intend to achieve their goals.
The President should be a person of honor. Someone with integrity in both vision and action.
The President should be a practical and common sense person, who recognizes the basic necessity of fiscal responsibility.
The President should have a strong sense of priorities and yet have the flexibility to reorganize those priorities as situations evolve.
The President needs be to a calm and assured person, who will make me feel they have control over any crisis that the country faces and won’t fall apart when things don’t go well.
The President needs to have the ability to rally the public to their ideas.
The President needs to have the political clout and connections to get things done in the legislature.
The President should be smart and educated.
The President should be good at picking great advisers and listening objectively to advice from all sides of a situation.
The President should not be overly religious. I don’t mind if they have faith in some deity, but it should NOT be part of their politics or agenda. It should be personal.
The President should be a compassionate and kind person. It should be noted that I’m not looking for Mother Teresa. I’m looking for someone who recognizes the practical basics of getting compassionate and practical solutions for all people.
The President should be a master of negotiation and the art of compromise.
The President should have some of the same basic fundamental visions about this country that I do. In other words, if they meet all of the above requirements, but they plan to make this country in a direction I can’t agree with, I can’t really vote for them.

The last one means that I have to define where I think the country should go and how important each of the issues is to me. Which is another blog post.

Why I think Marriage is Overrated

OK. I got some pushback on the idea that Marriage is overrated. So I thought I would expand on my thoughts a bit.

This is what marriage becomes:

Its spending all of your waking moments with someone whenever you aren’t doing something more interesting.
Its spending the times when you are tired, sick, annoyed, ugly, smelly, sleeping, burping, farting and generally being an ass with the person you love.
It means being so exhausted from being nice to the rest of the world that you have nothing left to give to the person you married and they get whatever is left, which is often mean.

That is not the recipe for marital bliss.

Here’s the ideal relationship:

Spending time doing interesting things with someone you find interesting. Don’t marry them. Date them.
Going on vacation to interesting places with someone you enjoy being with. Don’t live with them. Go on vacation with them.
Giving your best energy to the person who makes you the happiest.

Yes, But what about Children?

If you want to pro-create, fine. Create a contract and set of rules. You don’t have to be in the same house when you raise the child together. Its just been done that way in the past because it was necessary. Its not necessary anymore. Just like its not necessary to ride a horse to get across town. Times change and you can change too.

Here’s the best part, if you don’t tie marriage to having children, then the father doesn’t have to be the man you are in love with, does it? It can be your best friend, or it can be ANYONE you think you can have a good child rearing partnership with. Tell me why can’t you and your best friend decide to raise a family together? The contract doesn’t have to be with someone of the opposite sex. It doesn’t have to involve the genetic parents at all. Sperm banks are everywhere. Heck, if you are a woman, free sperm donation is available at any bar in America. (Although I don’t really recommend this course of action.) Foster Children are waiting. Adoption is available.

My point is this. Stop thinking like you always thought, and think like an individual with a multitude of choices. Marriage is the most limiting choice you can make.

You won’t have to be trapped:
If you aren’t married or living together you always have choices. You don’t have the trapped, paralyzed, frozen in a life feeling. How many people do you know who are struggling in a marriage or live-in relationship but feel that leaving it is so HUGE.

Its physically huge because there is a move, separating stuff, finding a new space, settling accounts, etc.
Its financially huge your single life may cost you more, credit can be screwed up, and legal costs are high.
Its emotionally huge. You have now made part of your identity this marriage or live in relationship. When you end those relationships, you are negating a part of your identity. That’s really tough and ugly.

Sure, a long term relationship without living together is still going to be incredibly painful when it ends, and some part of you is identified with it, but its not going to be nearly the devastation and loss involved in ending a marriage or live in relationship.

Changing your dating relationship is several magnitudes easier to manage and get over than marriage/live in.

The fun side of the permanent dating relationship:

You look forward to seeing them. There is the tingle of anticipation. When you see someone all the time, you feel lots of comfort, lots of ease. And I think its the death of a good romantic relationship. You can get comfort and support from friends and family. You can get your interest and excitement from your romantic relationship.
Sex is a whole lot more fun when its not a roll over, why not, did you brush your teeth, event.
Attraction is a lot easier to maintain when you don’t see someone plucking their eyebrows, clipping their nose hairs, scratching their balls, pushing up a tampon. These are not things that should be shared. Lets not. Put your best face on for this person. You will feel better, they will feel better and the mutual attraction will last longer.
Fewer bones of contention. How many arguments happen over things like leaving the toilet seat up, how you fold laundry, taking out the trash, not paying attention when you should, being cranky when your shouldn’t, and generally not being nice to your partner. A huge portion of those petty squabbles are eliminated when you are not sharing permanent quarters.
Money isn’t such a weighty matter how many couples have huge difficulties over money management and philosophy. If you remain independent of each other, these issues will largely disappear. They could surface, but if they are not manageable, you are not in a situation where ending your misery will cause you more misery.
Self Development and independence: A great many of my friends have so completely identified themselves with their marriage that they have stopped developing their own interests. Because if the interest does not coincide with their partners interest, its not done. So before marriage there were two large circles of interests one for each person. Those circles intersected on shared interests. So there were three things to talk about each person’s interests and their shared interests. At marriage, they give up unshared interests and suddenly they have a very tiny circle of interests. Life just became boring. This can happen without marriage, but is less frequent. And it can also be that married couples maintain separate interests and pursuits. But its a whole lot easier to do when you remain resolutely independent and don’t sew yourself into someone else’s life by living with them.
Your own space. Your space is your own. Its by you, for you and no one else has to be considered. Permissions for use of shared items – Nope. Consideration of others when guests are invited – Nope. New paint color – Your choice. Clean or Messy – Your choice.

Finally, what’s the big hurry?

If you don’t have marriage as a destination then there is no more desperation. You can actually choose a decent person to be with. No settling. No feelings of there won’t be another one in time. You aren’t getting married anyway. Remember?

Seriously, this is what I really mean.

The real reason why I advocate remaining mostly single: You are you. This is mostly a female viewpoint, but when women get married they become Mrs. And I mean that psychologically. Many women feel incomplete, less than whole, unattractive and generally worthless without a man. Even those who can’t identify with that statement very strongly, feel it at some level because we have thousands of years of culture to reinforce the idea.

Remain single and over time you realize that who you are is good without marriage. That another person is not in any way going to make you a whole person. That support comes from lots of places and expecting support from one person is both unfair and a recipe for disappointment. That you can support yourself financially and there is something incredibly self reliant and freeing in being the only source of your support. That life is not what cultures define, its what you do.

I am not vehemently anti-marriage.

I recognize that there are advantages to it. In fact, I realize that having a supportive spouse would probably have helped me with managing my mental illness. A good marriage is a built in support system.

I realize that its not likely that most people will see my viewpoint. Even the most liberal among us still get married or live together. There are many supportive and enjoyable relationships in marriages. But I think there are times when the marriage is endangering even the strongest of those great relationships. I think my viewpoint is the future. In 150 years marriage will probably be an anachronism in many parts of the world.