Heartbreak.

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That is a very cold squirrel through a very dirty window. Trying to suck as much heat as he can from my open window in the 12F weather with added breeze.

I was just about to close that window, because while I normally keep it open in the winter because this building is heated like a Sauna in Hell, it has gotten a bit chilly. Becauses 12F is COLD. Plus breeze.

But if I shut the window, the squirrel will lose his tiny bit of heat.

I guess I can just snuggle under the damn comforter.

Poor little one.

Working for Free

I’m working on a project to implement a new system. In order to transfer the data we currently have into the new system, we have do a good deal of touching of the data. Manipulating it from it’s current data sets to fit into a new data set. It’s involved and tedious work.

But it’s also something I’m deeply invested in making work. This new system is desperately needed in the company, and if we lean hard into it’s various processes, I really think it will improve things a lot.

But it will be a painful birth. Because the old system has only the barest shared junctions of data.

Unfortunately this transition of data happened when we had the under-staffing crisis in my dept and so I have not given it any real attention. So this weekend I’m working on it from home.

I am an hourly employee, so unless I’m clocked in at work, I don’t get paid. But I don’t care. One, because the pressure to get my normal tasks done and get this done is terrible. I would rather it wasn’t a traffic jam of tasks on my desk.

And two. I’m really invested in making this new system work. I don’t want someone else to do this because I really want this to be done right. ie – the way I would do it. And because the only other person designated to this project of transition is of the quick and make it work mindset. Although, to be fair, he is also DEEPLY invested in making this new system work.

We are both VERY excited about the new system. But he, probably justifiably, feels that we are paying a company to manage this data transition and giving them finely curated data in a spreadsheet to upload, means we are paying them for something we both suspect we could do ourselves. The value they could offer us is to curate the data.

We originally thought we would just run a crystal report with the raw data and this company would do the parsing. But this company has made it clear that that is not how it’s going to work. Which begs the question – why are we paying them? I mean, uploading a spreadsheet into a system is not rocket science. Either of us could probably do it, and definitely my teammate could do it, regardless.

But, we paid them already so. Here we are.

And I’m kind of OK with it. I know this data. These are our customers. I know who and what and why. If I handed it over to a stranger, they would not know those things and would likely make bad choices as a result. They don’t know who we consider valuable. They don’t know that this executive assistant is basically only slightly less important than the CEO of P&G from our point of view, or that this executive passenger is very particular about how the invoices are sent, or that this lovely old woman calls in to have us take her husband to various sportsball games and that it is very important that only careful and kind drivers are involved. Someone who will call her the morning of game day and discuss whether it might not be too cold and rainy for a frail old man to sit in Buckeye Stadium for a game.

That information is lost when you hand your data over to a stranger who cannot know, even if there are notes, which often there are not because often these special clients have their own reservationist who knows and that reservationist has a back up who also knows.

All of which sounds like we have a seamless system, but as you might deduce from the above paragraph, we DO NOT. All too often that knowledge held by one reservationist is lost when they aren’t available. And so a person who calls on the weekend doesn’t get their reservationist, they may get a relative newbie. And then it all goes south. Our current system is not good at managing those kinds of things, BUT the new system is.

So I have hopes that if we start with a good solid foundation, we can build up to a system that won’t fail a client with a frail husband who needs an extra eye kept on him. We are all about providing service for the specific needs of our clients. And that is often a GIANT pain if the ass. And while we hope for being able to do this, all too often we fail, because we started that core value when we were small and now we are starting to crossover to the level of business that makes that nearly impossible to achieve in our current systems.

But I have hopes for this new software. No doubt it will disappoint some of my dreams. But since we are starting from such a dismal situation it can only improve things. And I am very invested in the idea of improving the current maelstrom.

But, it also requires people to rethink how we do things. Specifically, I’m going to attempt to make our managers rethink our rate structure. Because the current rates won’t transfer into the new system. And we need to think of rates by zip code instead of neighborhoods or towns. Because the new system assigns rate by zip. And we assign by neighborhood/town. But because zip codes cover many neighbor hoods and those neighborhoods have different rates it’s not transferable. So part of this weekends work will be put that situation into an easy presentation that will make the 2 managers face the task of reassigning fares and have still be usable for me when they do. At first I thought – Easy Peasy. Yeah. Turns out, Nope. It’s also tedious work.

But it’s important. So I will slog though it so they can spend an afternoon arguing with each other over what to do. Don’t worry. They are best friends who enjoy arguing over these issues and blaming each other for anything that went askew.

But don’t let me downplay how much I need to get done to in order for the various managers to fight over the right fare. We have fares for different companies. So once I’m done with one, I get to start over with the next one. Which are handled by different managers, so I will have to represent this issue to them and have them reassign the rates.

ie – I need people to face the reality that the way we have done business for the last 20 yeas will not longer work with the new system. I expect, of the 4 people involved, only one of them will accept it and adapt without me pushing them into it. One of them will loudly resist and will remain obstinate throughout. However, I’m helped by the fact that his partner in fare making is the owner of the company, who is by definition, invested in the new system. But that is not this weekend’s task. This weekend I only have to make their task manageable once they accept it’s reality.

And that the easy part. That original paragraph about customer accounts is still the hard part.

All of it is at least 20 hours of work. Probably at more like 30 to 40. Still, I delusionally hope I will finish this weekend.

It will be worth is. Once this system is up and working as it should. I cannot wait until that day. Hopefully by this summer I will basking in the clover of this weekends work.

Work: The Mountain

Both my coworkers have been off since last Thursday. The back up girl was unexpectedly off last week but thankfully returned this week.

But since she was off for the birth of her newest grandchild, who is now in NICU I don’t think I can count on her. She needs to be her daughter’s biggest support and that is more important than anything else.

So. As the days past, the things that don’t get done remain undone and those piles get bigger. I’m reminding myself daily that tomorrow is another day.

Last night I was there until 11pm. And still the giant pile remains. And expands because poor back up now has her own pile. She took on half my job on the busiest day and she has a full time job of her own. So.

Life happens as it will, however we plan it. Only one person was planned to be off. But my other co-worker ended up in the hospital. And as I said the back up has the new grandbaby. None of that could have been predicted. It’s just how life works.

However. I intended to go to work over the weekend to clear it to a fresh starting point. But I didn’t. So as a result I was there until 11pm last night and didn’t get as much done as I’d hoped. That weekend choice was something I could control and didn’t.

We always pay for those moments we don’t do something. I knew it when the stillness of my depression kept me in bed. But the knowledge didn’t move me. I wonder why knowledge isn’t motivating? Imagine how many of our personal problems would be solved if knowledge was enough for us to change. All the smokers would quit smoking, we all would exercise and eat well. No one would be overweight. We would all work on climate change… It’s odd how knowledge is just so useless as a catalyst for changing personal behavior.

I wonder if there are people who learn something and adapt their personal behavior immediately and permanently to the new information? If so, what is going on in their brain? Can I get that wiring?

I find emotion is mildly motivating, but not permanently motivating. Fear, of course, being the best motivator. But I think because we don’t remember emotions in the same way that we remember events or information, it’s not as permanent. And we obviously aren’t supposed to because when you remember deeply negative emotions like that, you have PTSD.

Anyway, all of this is to say, I’m not thrilled with my choices this past weekend. They were mostly dictated by the stillness that envelops my weekend, but it remains true that motivation is elusive, especially with depression. To the point of being useless.

Yesterday – A Day.

I was supposed to meet my sister for breakfast at 10 am. She was driving over an hour to meet me for breakfast.

I forgot about it. Got there an hour an half late, which was beyond rude and inconveniencing. I called my boss to tell her I would now be late for work, by necessity.

I also found out that my my 2nd teammate was found unresponsive that morning. She’s the one on drugs. They rushed her to the ER and she was brought around but they kept her.

I’m HOPING they convince her to go into rehab. She’s so nice and when she’s not on the drugs, very smart.

I’ve been so worried about her losing her job, I didn’t give much thought to her overdosing.

The thing is – the drugs are prescribed by a doctor. I want to go over and bitch slap this quack.

Since, the first teammate was having surgery yesterday and the back up person was off because her daughter had a baby in wee hours of the morning, it was just me doing all of it. Thank goodness it’s nice and slow. I got most of it done.

I like feeling necessary. And yesterday I felt very necessary. So the stress of it sort of rolled off my shoulders, despite it obviously not being one of my most focused days – ie breakfast disaster.

Indoor Hunting Feeder – A Review

I bought this hunter feeder for my cats.

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So. I got it because I was concerned that the Kitten, whose not a kitten anymore, was bored and starting to act odd as a result.

First you try to show the cats that their food is in the toy by using the little plastic trainer with too many holes. The trainer has so many holes that any movement will knock out food.

Then you put fill mice up and put them in the place of their food dish. Then when they figure out how to extract the food, you start to move the mice to other places in the house. So they have to hunt and play to get it.

Concerns: Feeding Time is no longer an easy scoop and pour on the dish process. Putting Food into the mice is annoying at best. The provide an absolutely useless scoop that appears to be purpose made for the process but make it worse. I got more food on the counter and floor filling mice than in the mice. I have finally given up on their scoop. I used my old scoop, keep the mouse just slightly inside the food bag while I pour into the mouse. It solves the mess but it’s still more time consuming and involved.

Food is on the floor. If they don’t eat all of the food they knock out, you may well step in it. Also you have food on the floor when you don’t step in it. Which bothers me. It makes my apartment feel dirty.

I’ve stepped on mice in the middle of the night, twice now. Not enjoyable.

I’ve been woken up by mice hitting the hardwood floor from the desktop at least once.

My cats are apparently lazy and/or smart. I put out mice and they yowl like they are starving. They know the food is in the mice, I have not started hiding the mice although I have been putting them around the house to give them the idea that food is no longer just in one place. I do it with them following me, so I’m not sure “hiding” will ever be possible.

At least one of them is fully aware of how to manage the mice to get food because yesterday when I came home from work and today when i woke up the mice were empty and the food eaten. But I don’t know if it’s both of them or just one. They will not eat from the mice if I’m home and awake. Apparently hoping I will offer up the buffet style they prefer.

Because I don’t know if both of them know how to use the mice I have a bit of food anxiety for them.

Positives:

Nearly all of the above are concerns from my human perspective. I bought these for a purpose. To keep a bored cat more interested in his daily life. It’s hard to say if it’s working. He’s not been acting out in obsessive ways, which was the thing that triggered my concern.

I intend to keep using them until or unless it becomes a problem from the cat’s perspective. Beyond their lazy preference for buffet food.

Why does Indonesia get kicked around so much by Natural Disasters?

It feels like they can’t win for losing.

They had a landslide that killed 15 people on New Years Eve.

On average, a natural disaster has occurred in Indonesia every year since the 2004 tsunami, including earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions and climate change fueled events.

It’s so unfair. I know they are sitting in a hotbed of earth movement, add in climate change and bad infrastructure and you just can’t find a good outcome.

What is amazing is how they just keep trucking. It gives me hope that we can all manage the future of climate change causing too many natural disasters. Humans are resilient.

But that’s just a simplification. Many aren’t trucking along. Many are drowning in the consequences of the disaster, without sufficient help.

And in a future world where everyone is experiencing a disaster, will we be able to step up and help each other? Now we all chip in and send aid. But at what point does that implode under the weight of the need vs those who can support it?

I wonder how we will respond to the new world of constant upheaval? Will we be our best selves or our most selfish selves? I hope we will be our best. I hope we will always be a community in local and a helping hand globally.

But it’s impossible to tell. We ought, at minimum, to setting up infrastructure standards that will support the inevitable natural disaster that will hit all of us. Soon it won’t just be those poor people in Indonesia. It will be everyone, regardless of the geo-active area we live in.

New Years Eve. I just got home from work at 10:30pm.

And I didn’t get everything done and tomorrow will be worse as far as number of things that need to get done.

I always start these sorts of days with the absolute belief that it’s all doable and by mid-day I know it’s gonna be overtime and by the time the overtime begins I making choices about what won’t get done.

Of course tomorrow is another day. That is what if beautiful about tomorrows. What can’t be done today, can be accomplished tomorrow. And by Wednesday, the excess work will be sorted and it will all be done. Tomorrow it won’t all get done. I say this to prepare my mind for the fact. Perhaps if I go in knowing that I will make different decisions.

In my old job, I could count on one hand the times I left work on my desk when I left. Possibly two hands, but I’m leaning heavily into one.

When I worked late, it was USUALLY on a task that could be done in one day.

I could have finished all the tasks today but I would have left at midnight. It didn’t seem like a wise thing, much less an attractive one. So I came home. Cuddled my cats and now I await the inevitable firecrackers, which will raise my anxiety.

I’ve bought a bottle of wine in hopes of being asleep when they start and being able to stay asleep through them. I don’t hold out much hope. It’s 11:15pm and I haven’t even finished a glass of wine. I’m not even tired yet.

Tomorrow I’m going to leave work for a few hours in the middle of the day and have lunch with my nephew and his Significant Other. It’s a busy day to interrupt with a lunch, but I made a healthy decision and recognized the my nephew is more important than getting every damn task off my desk.

The first of the month is a bear for me. All of our biggest accounts are invoiced on the first for the previous months trips. 1000s of tickets per account. Many of them require special handling and invoicing in ways that are not normal. It’s ridiculous. And time consuming. Last month I did it all alone, my teammate who trained me, helped me in the previous 3 months. I was damn proud of that solo accomplishment. But tomorrow will be worse due to it’s day – Tuesday. Only worse if it was a Monday. And being a Holiday it means less help.

But it’s doable. Thank Chaos that the Stillness was gone this morning. Hopefully it will remain away tomorrow.

Watching People be Busy and Productive

I adore youtube channels where people make things. I watch makers do things I have absolutely no interest in doing myself, I’m just fascinated with their productiveness and the creation of a thing. I follow woodworking, metal working, cooking, gardening, and artists of all kinds.

Yesterday I binge watched a channel of a young man who is rebuilding a 108 year old yacht. I think he he is going to be lucky to keep 20 yards of original board on that boat. It was a mess. It will take years and years to rebuild it. And he’s filming it.

He’s a boat builder, so it’s not like he’s inexperienced. And he threw himself into this project heart and soul. It’s hard work. Both mentally and physically.

A few weeks ago he cut off his finger. He was quite philosophical about it. Life is about taking risks, he said. You don’t learn anything or experience anything if you don’t take risks. Sometimes you get hurt, but it’s all part of the process of living.

I don’t do anything. Even in smaller ways. People like Leo, the ship builder, fascinate me. They just do it. It might not work. But the doing is worth it. My grandmother was like that. I’m not. I’m stillness to their wind. I want to be more like the wind – changing things, making things, doing things. It seems like it’s just as simple as Just do it.

But something in my brain, Depression, makes the space between thinking about a thing and doing a thing enormous. It’s like the Grand Canyon and my brain doesn’t seem to be able to cross to the part that makes me move into action.

I call it Stillness. It’s the antithesis of a well lived life.

I think I watch these youtube channels so I can live the life of productivity vicariously. That might be making the stillness worse. It’s possible my brain marks my experiencing the video as a thing accomplished. Our brains are fucked up wonders.

Worrisome Behavior

Rebel Tim, the grey kitten whose not a kitten anymore, has been acting a bit off. Odd.

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He’s started doing obsessive digging in the kitty litter and yesterday he was digging at a random place on the hardwood floor. Nothing there. I smelled it worried that someone had peed there. But nope. I distracted him for a bit but once the distraction was over he was back to digging obsessively.

I picked him up to check his bladder – I’ve had cats with urinary tract blocks and it killed one and cost more than a fortune to fix the other one. But his bladder wasn’t full.

I wonder if he is constipated? But the kitty litter seems to have the requisite amount of poop. His stomach isn’t distended, although he is too fat.

Last night it finally occurred to me. He’s bored. And is acting out in odd ways. He needs more playtime than Bijou is willing to give him.

I have been seriously considering getting those indoor hunter feeder things that Katzenworld recommended last week. I have hesitated because I picture my own hunt to find the empty toys every day. Also stepping on random uneaten pieces of dry food. But I might be wrong about the food, he is a piglet. I won’t be wrong about the annoying hunt.

I’m also worried that the more active recently a kitten will get a disproportionate amount of the food. I’m not sure how to make sure that doesn’t happen, but I guess that’s part of the process. Making them work and compete. Maybe??

Has anyone tried the indoor hunter feeder for a multi-cat household?

The Christmas Party

Today was the Xmas party at work. My coworker, K, was in charge of it. She worked her tail off for it and it paid off for her. It was a great success.

They gave out those folding chairs that people drag to their kids soccer game and sweaters. All with the company logo, obviously. My sweater was too small, but one doesn’t mention that for a variety of reasons, not all of them related to my humiliation at being too big. I can’t be given a gift and then go – Not it’s not my size, is there a different one in that box? That’s rude.

We had Secret Santa. I got 2 bottles of alcohol in the MOST ADORABLE FUZZY SANTA BAGS. There was a little Santa cap on the top of the bottle. I was enchanted by those bags. I showed them to everyone. They were all enchanted.

Isn’t it funny how the small, inexpensive thing is the thing that is such a hit. For me the alcohol is nice, but those adorable Santa bottle bags were perfect. They came from the Dollar Tree. She spent $2 on bags that made me so happy. And $25 on alcohol that it was nice to get, but did not give me the smiles that those little bags did.

I remember 20 years ago I bought my nephews $5 plastic swords for Xmas. I didn’t think the gift would amount to much. Their parents and grandparents spent enormous money and huge effort to get the latest hottest thing for them. But in the end, they LOVED the swords and played with them the entire day and for years after.

I don’t know how I hit on those swords, anymore than my coworker knows how she hit the jackpot on an impulse buy for something that I didn’t ask for but would make the presentation more fun. Sometimes those inexpensive impulses are the best gift, however much you don’t expect it.