How do Children Survive to Adulthood?

Yesterday at work, 3 nine year old boys rode their bikes into our parking lot and started screwing around. They went to the gas pump, took the nozzle and sprayed gas onto the ground.

AND THEN THREW A MATCH ON IT. Apparently the resulting flame up went right up into the face of one of the kids. Thankfully, they all walked away unhurt.

Or more accurately, panicked and ran up into the parking lot to hide among the buses when the general manager ran out to put out the fire. The police arrived and the kids were unsurprisingly caught and given the scared straight treatment. Moms were summoned.

I commented to my co-worker that I would have been spanked. My mom was very formal on spanking. We talked about what I did, then she pronounced the punishment, we went to cedar chest and I was spanked. She never did it in anger. But I think if I had nearly burned my face off, she might have been a bit more terrified and that might have come out in the spanking. Because anger is often a byproduct of fear.

Perhaps lessons were learned. Ideally by our company. Put a lock on the gas pump. It can be one of those coded locks, but something that protects it from the idiocy of humans and children alike.

Anyway, 3 kids nearly had a life ending/changing experience. Happily they will go on to make more mischief, hopefully elsewhere.

It’s startling how fast an economy can go into the toilet

People are talking about a recession, but honestly, it feels more like it might be headed straight for a depression.

Two weeks ago the transportation company I work for was thriving.  On Monday they laid off  half the workforce and pulled more than half of their vehicles off the lot and the insurance.

Small businesses will not survive this.  Or only a few will.  Most transportation companies are facing full on collapse in 30 or so days.  They carry a debt load on their fleet, not to mention the insurance and payroll.  Our company is in a better position than most because we don’t carry any debt but it’s just going make us last a bit longer.  Because without any income you cannot run a business.

Today I wondered what I would do differently if I were in charge of running this disaster.  And I think I would have focused entirely on high risk people.  Just make older people and people with pre-existing conditions self isolate.  Set up ways and means to support that isolation with food delivery and medical care and whatever support was needed.   But stopping the entire world when it seems like 97% of the sick are not going to feel any worse than having a cold, seems like we went at it wrong.

Of course, I’m not a public health expert.  I have no real knowledge on the spread of sickness and it’s consequences.   It’s probably a pipe dream to think it could have run it’s course mostly avoiding the at risk and giving the rest of us a cold to complain about.  But, if any countries are doing that, I would be interested to know if their outcomes are better/ worse on mortality and economy.

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Reasons I want to Drink

My coworker in a 2 associate team is on vacation.  We recruit a backup for her from the call center.

It was a hectic day today.  I had a regularly scheduled person who helps on Mondays when we are Extremely busy.  Usually my coworker manages  her and I only have her for 3 or 4 hours.  But they changed her hours to match mine and damn it’s hard to manage someone inexperienced while trying to do your own job.

But.  That’s NOT the reason I want to drink.  The replacement co-worker pointed out that my regular coworker has not been marking sales tax on her invoicing for a very large account. Presumably the total amount billed is correct, I have not checked.  PLEASE UNIVERSE, LET THE BILLED AMOUNT BE CORRECT.   But because she has not been doing this, I have not reported those taxes collected and they have not been paid.

Taxes.  NOT paid.

The thing is – she did it correctly for about 7 months and then in March she just did it randomly and in April only 4 items and after that…

I have NO idea what was going on in her mind.  But I do know that I report the taxable payable amount to the owners of the company and they faithfully pay that amount to the state.

And it was wrong since March.  By a not insignificant amount.  This puts them in danger of audit and fines etc.

I love my co-worker.  But she works too fast.  That’s her key strength but it’s also her weakness.  I worry that her desire to get my work started before I arrive is causing her to let important things slide.  She likes to be the hero who helps people.

And I worry that telling my bosses that the last 4 months of tax reporting I did for them was wrong.  Because they will want to know why.  And then I will be throwing my friend under the bus.

She’s on vacation.  I talk to her regularly by text but I’m not going to ruin her vacation with this nightmare.  Still it’s giving me stomach issues.  I can’t tell them without telling her first.  But that’s a weeks wait.  sigh.

Drinking seems like a decent solution to get through the week.  If only it had no next day consequences.

 

It’s been a very busy week.  Very stressful.  And it was capped today by a mistake by omission that sent me home in near tears.

We are putting in a new software system and I have been given quite a lot of extra responsibility with that.  And since it’s implementation was supposed to be Friday, the last week was fraught with various glitches and various things not done.  All while my full time job was not done by me with any great focus.

In the end we did not go live on Friday because there were too many roadblocks.  I was relieved because a good portion of my responsibilities on it were unfinished.

To add stress and work to this, Friday was the monthly close for billing.  On the 1st I am normally putting in at least a 10 hour day.  But due to the system it was just impossible to even get done, after my 12th hour.  So.  I left and came back today.

Needless to say, I have set aside a whole lot of non-urgent tasks during the last month.  And one of them was a contract my boss gave me to read.  It outlines the new rates etc for our biggest client.  I read it today.  After I sent the invoices, which were based on a conversation I had with my boss on how much the fares were.  I don’t know if I misunderstood him or if the contract was not written to his verbal agreement, but it specifies a whole different rate structure than I billed at.   And it doesn’t matter what he or I understood, because what he signed says these things.

When I say it’s our biggest client, I had 1500 line items on one invoice and 600 on the other.  And all of it is wrong.  I have pull it apart and redo it.  Then apologize profusely to their AP folks.

I couldn’t face it and I walked out tonight  on the verge of tears.  I called my coworker and she talked me off the full on breakdown.  She’s good at that.   I might go in tomorrow.  Because Monday is going to be yet another day of system issues and I won’t have time to do it.

But I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Last time I felt this shitty was when I literally stopped moving, lost my job, and after exhausting my savings became homeless.

On a positive note though, I notice I’m handling it better this time.  I have tools to deal with it, I guess.  Last time I refused to acknowledge it.  Because I had a great life, I couldn’t possibly be depressed or anxious.

But now I see what’s happening and have more tools.   I am better prepared and more aware of it.  When the feeling of near breakdown was worst was the beginning of this week, I just sat myself down and realized I had to let things go.  I had to stop internalizing things I couldn’t control and recognize the limits of what I could do in the space time I was allotted. .  And after that, things got a lot easier.  Although I’m still prone to snapping at people, and all of my coworkers recognize that I’m a bit overwhelmed, I’m not internally as ready to just curl up into a ball and not participate.  Which was how I was at the beginning of the week.  And how I was when I fell apart years ago.  Back then I did just curl up and stop participating.  But I won’t do that this time.

I won’t let this kill me.  I’m fighting for my own sanity this time.  Maybe the odds don’t look in my favor, but I think I got this.

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Working for Free

I’m working on a project to implement a new system.  In order to transfer the data we currently have into the new system, we have do a good deal of touching of the data.  Manipulating it from it’s current data sets to fit into a new data set.   It’s involved and tedious work.

But it’s also something I’m deeply invested in making work.  This new system is desperately needed in the company, and if we lean hard into it’s various processes, I really think it will improve things a lot.

But it will be a painful birth.  Because the old system has only the barest shared junctions of data.

Unfortunately this transition of data happened when we had the under-staffing crisis in my dept and so I have not given it any real attention.  So this weekend I’m working on it from home.

I am an hourly employee, so unless I’m clocked in at work, I don’t get paid.  But I don’t care.  One, because the pressure to get my normal tasks done and get this done is terrible.  I would rather it wasn’t a traffic jam of tasks on my desk.

And two.  I’m really invested in making this new system work.  I don’t want someone else to do this because I really want this to be done right.  ie – the way I would do it.  And because the only other person designated to this project of transition is of the quick and make it work mindset.  Although, to be fair, he is also DEEPLY invested in making this new system work.

We are both VERY excited about the new system.  But he, probably justifiably, feels that we are paying a company to manage this data transition and giving them finely curated data in a spreadsheet to upload, means we are paying them for something we both suspect we could do ourselves.  The value they could offer us is to curate the data.

We originally thought we would just run a crystal report with the raw data and this company would do the parsing.  But this company has made it clear that that is not how it’s going to work. Which begs the question – why are we paying them?  I mean, uploading a spreadsheet into a system is not rocket science.  Either of us could probably do it, and definitely my teammate could do it, regardless.

But, we paid them already so.  Here we are.

And I’m kind of OK with it.  I know this data.  These are our customers.  I know who and what and why.  If I handed it over to a stranger, they would not know those things and would likely make bad choices as a result.  They don’t know who we consider valuable.  They don’t know that this executive assistant is basically only slightly less important than the CEO of P&G from our point of view, or that this executive passenger is very particular about how the invoices are sent, or that this lovely old woman calls in to have us take her husband to various sportsball games and that it is very important that only careful and kind drivers are involved.   Someone who will call her the morning of game day and discuss whether it might not be too cold and rainy for a frail old man to sit in Buckeye Stadium for a game.

That information is lost when you hand your data over to a stranger who cannot know, even if there are notes, which often there are not because often these special clients have their own reservationist who knows and that reservationist has a back up who also knows.

All of which sounds like we have a seamless system, but as you might deduce from the above paragraph, we DO NOT.  All too often that knowledge held by one reservationist is lost when they aren’t available.  And so a person who calls on the weekend doesn’t get their reservationist, they may get a relative newbie.  And then it all goes south.   Our current system is not good at managing those kinds of things, BUT the new system is.

So I have hopes that if we start with a good solid foundation, we can build up to a system that won’t fail a client with a frail husband who needs an extra eye kept on him.  We are all about providing service for the specific needs of our clients.  And that is often a GIANT pain if the ass.  And while we hope for being able to do this, all too often we fail, because we started that core value when we were small and now we are starting to crossover to the level of business that makes that nearly impossible to achieve in our current systems.

But I have hopes for this new software.  No doubt it will disappoint some of my dreams.  But since we are starting from such a dismal situation it can only improve things.  And I am very invested in the idea of improving the current maelstrom.

But, it also requires people to rethink how we do things.  Specifically, I’m going to attempt to make our managers rethink our rate structure.  Because the current rates won’t transfer into the new system.  And we need to think of rates by zip code instead of neighborhoods or towns.  Because the new system assigns rate by zip.  And we assign by neighborhood/town.  But because zip codes cover many neighbor hoods and those neighborhoods have different rates it’s not transferable.  So part of this weekends work will be put that situation into an easy presentation that will make the 2 managers face the task of reassigning fares and have still be usable for me when they do.  At first I thought – Easy Peasy.  Yeah.  Turns out, Nope.  It’s also tedious work.

But it’s important.  So I will slog though it so they can spend an afternoon arguing with each other over what to do.  Don’t worry.  They are best friends who enjoy arguing over these issues and blaming each other for anything that went askew.

But don’t let me downplay how much I need to get done to in order for the various managers to fight over the right fare.  We have fares for different companies.  So once I’m done with one, I get to start over with the next one.  Which are handled by different managers, so I will have to represent this issue to them and have them reassign the rates.

ie – I need people to face the reality that the way we have done business for the last 20 yeas will not longer work with the new system.  I expect, of the 4 people involved, only one of them will accept it and adapt without me pushing them into it.  One of them will loudly resist and will remain obstinate throughout.  However, I’m helped by the fact that his partner in fare making is the owner of the company, who is by definition, invested in the new system.  But that is not this weekend’s task.  This weekend I only have to make their task manageable once they accept it’s reality.

And that the easy part.  That original paragraph about customer accounts is still the hard part.

All of it is at least 20 hours of work.  Probably at more like 30 to 40.   Still, I delusionally hope I will finish this weekend.

It will be worth is.  Once this system is up and working as it should.  I cannot wait until that day.  Hopefully by this summer I will basking in the clover of this weekends work.

 

 

 

 

 

Work: The Mountain

Both my coworkers have been off since last Thursday.  The back up girl was unexpectedly off last week but thankfully returned this week.

But since she was off for the birth of her newest grandchild, who is now in NICU I don’t think I can count on her.  She needs to be her daughter’s biggest support and that is more important than anything else.

So.  As the days past, the things that don’t get done remain undone and those piles get bigger.  I’m reminding myself daily that tomorrow is another day.

Last night I was there until 11pm.  And still the giant pile remains.  And expands because poor back up now has her own pile.  She took on half my job on the busiest day and she has a full time job of her own.  So.

Life happens as it will, however we plan it.  Only one person was planned to be off.  But my other co-worker ended up in the hospital.  And as I said the back up has the new grandbaby.  None of that could have been predicted.  It’s just how life works.

However.  I intended to go to work over the weekend to clear it to a fresh starting point.  But I didn’t.  So as a result I was there until 11pm last night and didn’t get as much done as I’d hoped.  That weekend choice was something I could control and didn’t.

We always pay for those moments we don’t do something.  I knew it when the stillness of my depression kept me in bed.  But the knowledge didn’t move me.  I wonder why knowledge isn’t motivating?  Imagine how many of our personal problems would be solved if knowledge was enough for us to change.  All the smokers would quit smoking, we all would exercise and eat well.  No one would be overweight.  We would all work on climate change… It’s odd how knowledge is just so useless as a catalyst for changing personal behavior.

I wonder if there are people who learn something and adapt their personal behavior immediately and permanently to the new information?  If so, what is going on in their brain?  Can I get that wiring?

I find emotion is mildly motivating, but not permanently motivating.  Fear, of course, being the best motivator.  But I think because we don’t remember emotions in the same way that we remember events or information, it’s not as permanent.  And we obviously aren’t supposed to because when you remember deeply negative emotions like that, you have PTSD.

Anyway, all of this is to say, I’m not thrilled with my choices this past weekend.  They were mostly dictated by the stillness that envelops my weekend, but it remains true that motivation is elusive, especially with depression.  To the point of being useless.

Yesterday – A Day.

I was supposed to meet my sister for breakfast at 10 am.  She was driving over an hour to meet me for breakfast.

I forgot about it.  Got there an hour an half late, which was beyond rude and inconveniencing.  I called my boss to tell her I would now be late for work, by necessity.

I also found out that my my 2nd teammate was found unresponsive that morning.  She’s the one on drugs.  They rushed her to the ER and she was brought around but they kept her.

I’m HOPING they convince her to go into rehab.  She’s so nice and when she’s not on the drugs, very smart.

I’ve been so worried about her losing her job, I didn’t give much thought to her overdosing.

The thing is – the drugs are prescribed by a doctor.  I want to go over and bitch slap this quack.

Since, the first teammate was having surgery yesterday and the back up person was off because her daughter had a baby in wee hours of the morning, it was just me doing all of it.  Thank goodness it’s nice and slow.  I got most of it done.

I like feeling necessary.  And yesterday I felt very necessary.  So the stress of it sort of rolled off my shoulders, despite it obviously not being one of my most focused days – ie  breakfast disaster.

 

 

Work and Kittens and Medical Tests

So I changed jobs a couple of months ago.  Same company, different department.  I work in Billing now.  Accounting.  It’s fun to learn new things.  The actual job though is often tedious.   However because they are working in a crazy old fashioned system and because the people who work in the department aren’t really trained bookkeepers (myself included) it’s all kind of crazypants.   Yesterday we discovered a rather large error that made my stomach hurt as I was auditing the bill and finding more and more not right.

I am a LONG WAY from perfect in my work life, but I have this ideal of what things SHOULD BE.  And sometimes I internalize it, so when I see a mess like that it makes me stressed even when I’m not the person who made the mess.  Maybe more so out of empathetic stress for the person who quite unwittingly caused the problem.  Because I’ve never met anyone who deliberately messes up.  We all want to do our jobs well.

I feel like we need to change things up on how we process the work, but I’m the new girl so it’s definitely not my place to direct that and I’m not even sure what would be the best solution.  So.

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The kitten is a panter.  Like a dog pants.  He runs around like a banshee and then jumps on my lap panting.  It’s SUPER adorable.  But it’s odd too.  I mean I’ve seen cats pant, but generally it’s rare.   Tim pants daily.  Probably several times a day.  After each session of zoomies he’s panting.  I’m wondering if there is something wrong or if that’s just his little quirk.

So naturally I looked it up.  The list of potential medical issues is very disturbing.  I am now considering taking him to the vet.  Because even though it’s only after exercise, it’s also ALWAYS after exercise.   We can’t have him be sick.  It’s not allowed.  He’s the young one.  Also Bijou and I have grown exceptionally fond of the little brat.

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So, I’ve been having chest pains.  Daily.  I’m fairly sure it’s anxiety, but it’s there.  And I have other risk factors.  My father and both grandfathers died of heart disease.  I’m overweight.  I have high blood pressure that I control with meds.  I don’t exercise.  I eat terribly.  I’m basically a walking statistic.  So I told the doctor on my last check up.  She ran an EKG in the office and there was one odd thing on it that could or could not mean something.

So she ordered a stress test with echo.  I scheduled it.  And then they called me to tell me that insurance wouldn’t cover that test.  How nice.  My doctor specifically told me she was ordering that test because it is much better at catching heart issues in women.  But I guess it’s more expensive and so now I have get a different, no doubt inferior, test.  This has naturally led to more anxiety and chest pains continue.  I don’t get the test for a couple of weeks because that’s how the urgent things work in health care.

Still, I think if it was my heart I would be dead already because it’s literally daily for periods of an hour or more.  So it’s probably anxiety or possibly it’s GERD.  We will see. Or not since I’m getting an inferior test.

everything is fine