Work: The Mountain

Both my coworkers have been off since last Thursday.  The back up girl was unexpectedly off last week but thankfully returned this week.

But since she was off for the birth of her newest grandchild, who is now in NICU I don’t think I can count on her.  She needs to be her daughter’s biggest support and that is more important than anything else.

So.  As the days past, the things that don’t get done remain undone and those piles get bigger.  I’m reminding myself daily that tomorrow is another day.

Last night I was there until 11pm.  And still the giant pile remains.  And expands because poor back up now has her own pile.  She took on half my job on the busiest day and she has a full time job of her own.  So.

Life happens as it will, however we plan it.  Only one person was planned to be off.  But my other co-worker ended up in the hospital.  And as I said the back up has the new grandbaby.  None of that could have been predicted.  It’s just how life works.

However.  I intended to go to work over the weekend to clear it to a fresh starting point.  But I didn’t.  So as a result I was there until 11pm last night and didn’t get as much done as I’d hoped.  That weekend choice was something I could control and didn’t.

We always pay for those moments we don’t do something.  I knew it when the stillness of my depression kept me in bed.  But the knowledge didn’t move me.  I wonder why knowledge isn’t motivating?  Imagine how many of our personal problems would be solved if knowledge was enough for us to change.  All the smokers would quit smoking, we all would exercise and eat well.  No one would be overweight.  We would all work on climate change… It’s odd how knowledge is just so useless as a catalyst for changing personal behavior.

I wonder if there are people who learn something and adapt their personal behavior immediately and permanently to the new information?  If so, what is going on in their brain?  Can I get that wiring?

I find emotion is mildly motivating, but not permanently motivating.  Fear, of course, being the best motivator.  But I think because we don’t remember emotions in the same way that we remember events or information, it’s not as permanent.  And we obviously aren’t supposed to because when you remember deeply negative emotions like that, you have PTSD.

Anyway, all of this is to say, I’m not thrilled with my choices this past weekend.  They were mostly dictated by the stillness that envelops my weekend, but it remains true that motivation is elusive, especially with depression.  To the point of being useless.

11 thoughts on “Work: The Mountain

  1. There was a nugget here that resonated with me. We don’t remember emotions as we do other things. This past week I have been grief stricken and I’ve been shocked at how painful it is. I’ve gone through this before. How could I have forgotten. You brought me some clarity. I wish I could help you catch up but the best I can do is send positive energy. Tomorrow is another day.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Thanks. That’s what I am experiencing now but I grieved my mother’s death many years ago and there have been others but I was still shocked at how painful it is. It’s like my memory went blank on it.


      2. I suppose in the giant evolutionary picture that is the best solution – us forgetting those painful moments, childbirth, death, etc. But it is awful when they slap us in the face again and we think – why didn’t I remember this??!! It just adds a layer to the already awful emotion.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. So far I’ve been fortunate in that the grief hasn’t turned into depression. That ability to bounce back, even if it takes time, is essential. My mom was 45 when my dad died and it took her two full years.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I have the wiring that remembers the emotions, but even those are no match for depression sometimes. You know what you need to do, you know the consequences if you don’t do it, and still it’s a fight to move. Then you’re mad at yourself for not moving, and then you despair and depression increases.

      I don’t know that knowing on an emotional level how much pain loss brings is helpful anyway. Maybe I dwell too much on the knowledge of a future loss to fully enjoy the present. Even though I KNOW how much each death or loss will hurt ahead of time, it doesn’t alleviate the pain when I lose someone.

      Because even if someone stands over you with a baseball bat for a year, it still hurts when they hit you.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Right?! I remember when my mom went into hospice to die. I knew her death was immenent and that it would relieve a great deal of her suffering. But when it happened the loss was immense! Knowing it will happen, even knowing that it may be the best available solution to the current circumstances didn’t change how much pain I felt at her loss or how much I wanted her back.
        You are right, even emotion is not a good motivator, regardless of whether we can remember it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I have been in a period of Stillness (you have helped me so much with that word) since the holidays began and I think I am beginning to come out of it. I am paying for days I haven’t done the things I should be doing. Just makes me more sad and incredibly frustrated. I think knowledge isn’t motivating because we are smart enough to know we have been here before and what it’s like. And that is not a good thing because it just perpetuates The Stillness. I know what I mean but it probably doesn’t make sense… not good with words. Tomorrow IS another day and I hope you get some help at work… you have been left with a lot of other people’s work!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally get that. The stillness seems to feed on the mountains of undone things, making them feel much bigger and more overwhelming. The more out of control everything is, the stiller I get.


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