Yesterday I got a new chair at work. This new chair has been something of a journey. I was sitting in an old comfy AND broken chair. It listed a bit to the left. When offered a new chair, I only specified that it not have arms that poked into my fundament. I hate that. And my current chair, besides being broken, has arms that were put on backward and allow my fundament to spill over without check.
So I got the new chair (same kind as old chair) and it was defective. The wheels wouldn’t turn to roll in a new direction and I was constantly feeling snagged. Attempts were made to fix that. No Avail. So I went back to old and broken chair a new chair was ordered.
This time, they went big. As in Big and Tall. They got me a GIANT chair for large people. And I love it. It’s a fat person chair. There was a time when this would have been a humiliation for me. Instead, it wasn’t until I was falling asleep last night that I realized I’m fat. That I’m the fattest person in the office. That they bought me a fat person chair not just because I made jokes about liking plenty of room for my fundament but because I’m fat.
I’ve had an unconscious self identity of being normal weight. Despite the conscious awareness that I wasn’t. So this is why it felt like a surprise.
I wasn’t this fat when I started there 3 years ago. I was a normal weight 7 years ago. But in those years I have gained 100lbs. 100 pounds. That’s A WHOLE LOT.
I am aware of it, but I don’t have the obsession with it that plagued me when I was young. My only desire to lose weight is connected to the awareness that my joints hurt when I walk. And pain is problematic.
You have to understand the ABSOLUTE OBSESSION that filled my life until I was 33 and got a gastric bypass. I was very fat, much fatter than I am now, and my entire focus was on how to lose weight, how awful being fat was and feeling terrible about what I ate when it was bad. I have NONE of that. I have only a clinical awareness that my pain is due to my weight.
I have none of the humiliation that would have filled my 20 something soul at getting a fat person chair. I’m fat. OK. My co-workers think I’m fat. Its OK.
This change is due to the plunge my life has taken in the last 7 years. I’ve been living my life in a place of desolation. A place of horrors. This is a maximum security desolation where minor side issues like being fat are just lint in the air around me.
So now, my brain has a new perspective. And on the one hand, it’s nice to not have that constant whip that is an obsession with body weight and weight loss. On the other, I’m not healthy and it’s due to what I eat and the weight I’m carrying, so it would be better if I got a little big more focused on this issue. Not caring at all isn’t particularly helpful.
Figuring out a plan for this seems annoying and huge and a change. Mostly I think its the change that the depression is bucking so hard. My brain is NOT a fan of change or New.
So first small step. This weekend I will figure out how I want to develop a new way of handling this. I think a daily walk and food changes. Which is where we come into problems. Because I’m not well enough to prepare elaborate things, so it has be easy and healthy. Not two things that go together in my mind.
Sigh. This is going to be a lot of work.