Don’t feel bad, I don’t.
I like Christmas better now that I don’t have so much pressure to participate in gift buying and being someplace. This alone place where I currently live my life is the result of depression isolating me until I’m no longer expected to call anyone or be anyplace.
And while isolation wasn’t a conscious choice on my part, today I’m not miserable because of it. Depression and obligations are a terrible mixture. And I remember terrible moments during Christmas’s past where my failure to keep up with obligations made me feel worse and worse about myself, plummeting me deeper into the hole of depression. Now that the isolation is complete, there is a sort of floaty freedom about it.
I like being able to work and allow people with families and obligations to be there and enjoy the day. Its a tiny thing I can feel good about. And in my world where my brain emphasizes all the things I do and have done wrong, its a nice gift to give myself.
I’m aware that I would like to be more social. More involved in life. And maybe I will make that part of the 2016 effort. Perhaps the depression has lifted enough that I can do that. But right now, I’m OK being alone for Christmas.