I don’t eat well.  Mostly because the depression’s stillness and odd thinking makes cooking into a monster task that doesn’t get done regularly.

So I resort to frozen meals and sandwiches most of the time.  And I’m not even getting a variety of those.  I eat the same frozen meals over and over and over…

I eat the same 2 sandwiches as well.

None of these items is particularly healthy.

All it would take for me to eat in a healthy way would be for me to prepare food.   I dream about doing a big meal prep once a week and just having that be my go to all week.   And every once in awhile I do that.  But it’s a rare event.

I follow a subreddit called Meal Prep Sunday  and I honestly think that my brain feels like it’s accomplished the goal by subscribing and seeing other people’s meal preps.

I bought a slow cooker in the mistaken belief that this easy no fuss method of cooking would make me cook and I would come home from work to hot food.  I’m pretty sure my brain thinks buying the slowcooker accomplished the goal.  I have only used it once in 3 years.

I think about making excellent tasting food to make me want to eat better.  I watch a TON of cooking videos on youtube.  I have only tried to make one thing from one of those videos.  My brain is capable of deciding that watching someone cook that meal is the same as me cooking the meal.

I know that it sounds like I’m being funny, but your brain does it too.  The human brain is kind of broken in how it evolved us into thinking creatures.  One of the things that broke is that the brain can imagine doing something and it marks the experience as a real.  MRI imaging shows the act of picking up a cup and imagining picking up a cup look EXACTLY the same in our brains.  I think it’s why so many people, myself included, have a hard time accomplishing their goals and dreams.

And I fell off subject again.  Sorry.

So, the problem, as I see it, is to overcome my brains natural tendency to assign something as accomplished when it didn’t happen.  I think depression makes that extra slippery because obviously my conscious brain can see the issue but depression makes me forget about the things that should be accomplished.  It takes that feeling of the task being accomplished and uses it to misdirect my brain away from the doing.   ie – it’s part of depression’s stillness strategy.

This is why I’m a big fan of lists and alarms.  But the same problem often happens with the lists – the stillness will make me ignore / forget / or defer the list.   Or and this is one of the shittiest things – I will get a flood of thoughts about all the various things I should do.  And all of them come with some corresponding reason that they should be the priority.   This creates a barrage that guarantees a stillness in me.  I won’t leave the bed wen the barrage starts.

Again – lists are helpful – but they aren’t as good at setting up the priority thing.  Should I vacuum or cook?  Should I take a walk or draw?  Should I do laundry or shop?  Should I call a friend for socializing or should I go to a park a sketch? Except it’s never even a dichotomy it’s always a bunch of options.  So now I need to prioritize the list.

And more than that, I need to prioritize the reasons for each one, otherwise how do I really know how to prioritize the actions.  Ie – what’s the long term goal?  Is socializing more important than eating well?  Is exercise more important than a clean apartment?  Is being creative more important than socializing?   I DON’T KNOW?!

So I freeze up and don’t make a list of priorities.  And so here we are.  Me eating a shitty frozen meal for breakfast and wishing I would eat well.


I hate knowing what is wrong, how to fix it and yet still being somehow and RIDICULOUSLY defeated by this damn depression.

So – by New Years I will have a set of priorities in place and I will have a plan for the 2019.   I’ve got work to do on this mess of a life I’m leading.





1024px-wikimedia_strategic_planning_09-svgI’ve never been a huge Resolution person.  However, this year, the New Year’s happens to fall when I’m starting to feel a bit of hope about my future, so I figured I would use it as an easy marker to my goals.

I want these goals to work, so I am putting together a plan, not a list of resolutions.

I put down a general goal.  Then I put down how I am going to achieve it.  ON A DAILY BASIS.

That’s why we fail at our resolutions.  We seem to think that they must start immediately and they are rarely planned.

For example –

One of my goals is to exercise daily.  So my first sub goal – to kind of get me started is to walk to the bottom of the hill I live on and back up it on my birthday – Feb 18.  I live at top of highest hill in Cincinnati.  The walk down and back will 6 miles on a fairly steep incline.  My current state of fitness means a 20 minute walk will exhaust me. 

Now I need to figure out how I’m going to make myself do this.  So I will walk every morning when I get up, before I get on the internet.  I will increase my daily walk by 5 minutes every day.  And by my birthday I should be able to accomplish my goal.

When I have that sub goal taken care of, I will set a new sub goal to keep myself motivated for exercising daily.

I increase my odds of winning these goals by not just planning generally – walk daily, but specifically.  Walk as soon as I get out of bed in the morning.  Because will power is a limited resource and we deplete it.  The tank of will power is fullest after a good rest.  So morning.

I can also increase my success by eliminating any small barriers that tend to halt my good intentions.  So by making sure that I have my clothes out and easily grabbable every morning.

Now the other thing – choosing a priority.  I have 4 main goals for 2016.  Exercise is my priority.  The reason it is my priority is because exercise is a pivot habit.  There are habits that help us start to make new and better habits in other areas of our lives. Its sort of a cascade effect.  I’m not making that up.  Studies have been done.  Its fascinating.  And exercise is one of them.  So that its the one that will have the priority even though getting a new job would seem like the one that is more life changing.

All of these things are plannable and must be planned for me to succeed. But they won’t be the only factor.  The battle with the depression is slippery.  But the meds have started to work more noticeably.  And I’m hoping that will work in my favor.