Last week had it’s holes. I fell into the abyss on Tuesday. Hard. And unexpectedly. I was feeling like I had avoided the usual reaction to my failure to visit with family last weekend. I refused to wallow in my shame. On Sunday I got quite a bit done around the house in the Noticeable Improvement Process. On Monday I had a decent day at work.
And on Tuesday the reaction set in. Stillness took over. I called into work, which then feeds even more shame to the depression.
However, routine and a friend saved me. I walk 3X a week with a friend. In the mornings before work. And on Wednesday, I woke up feeling all the weight of the depression but also the standard of early wake up for the walk and the expectation of my friend. And those two things made me move. I was not a happy mover but I moved. And I went to work.
The worst part of depression is how much risk it puts me in for my job. I’ve already lost one job to it. Which ultimately led to homelessness. And I just cannot lose this one. I feel like there isn’t another opportunity for me after this.
So. Despite Saturday being a black hole of misery and stillness, today will not be. I will move. The primary thing I’m going to do is go to the Farmer’s Market and buy some tomatoes and corn. Because that will give me pleasure all week. It also will make me get dressed. Which I find is key to me getting stuff done.
I’ve decided I want to do a journal. Geared around my theme for life. Better. That’s it. Just everyday – make it better than it was. Whether it’s my environment, my routine, my job, my health. Whatever. Better. Not perfect. Not 100%. Better than it was.
It’s easy to think I’m going to do that – but I find it’s also easy to forget. If I journal then I hold myself accountable. I listen to a podcast called Cortex that talks about living life around a theme and using a journal. I think I will use their journal solution. So. That’s the plan.