I adore youtube channels where people make things. I watch makers do things I have absolutely no interest in doing myself, I’m just fascinated with their productiveness and the creation of a thing. I follow woodworking, metal working, cooking, gardening, and artists of all kinds.
Yesterday I binge watched a channel of a young man who is rebuilding a 108 year old yacht. I think he he is going to be lucky to keep 20 yards of original board on that boat. It was a mess. It will take years and years to rebuild it. And he’s filming it.
He’s a boat builder, so it’s not like he’s inexperienced. And he threw himself into this project heart and soul. It’s hard work. Both mentally and physically.
A few weeks ago he cut off his finger. He was quite philosophical about it. Life is about taking risks, he said. You don’t learn anything or experience anything if you don’t take risks. Sometimes you get hurt, but it’s all part of the process of living.
I don’t do anything. Even in smaller ways. People like Leo, the ship builder, fascinate me. They just do it. It might not work. But the doing is worth it. My grandmother was like that. I’m not. I’m stillness to their wind. I want to be more like the wind – changing things, making things, doing things. It seems like it’s just as simple as Just do it.
But something in my brain, Depression, makes the space between thinking about a thing and doing a thing enormous. It’s like the Grand Canyon and my brain doesn’t seem to be able to cross to the part that makes me move into action.
I call it Stillness. It’s the antithesis of a well lived life.
I think I watch these youtube channels so I can live the life of productivity vicariously. That might be making the stillness worse. It’s possible my brain marks my experiencing the video as a thing accomplished. Our brains are fucked up wonders.
It's a Thought 
I can relate to this. Sometimes I think about something so hard and often that I am convinced I did it. If anything comes up like a sick cat, I am paralyzed with worry. The difference between thinking and doing can indeed be enormous.
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It’s so frustrating because it really seems like it’s a simple “do it” but somehow the traffic in my brain won’t connect to the actual action.
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I can’t let too much time go by between the thought and the start of a project. Well, if it’s a small project. If it’s something like a book, that takes years and it’s such a long slog between effort and validation. (But at least my fingers are safe?)
I think that’s why I like baking. Short projects that taste good.
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I’m fan of the small project too. I would look at that kid’s boat project and implode.
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I used to call my inability to move forward with a project, a thought, making a phone call, getting back to taking pictures and my blog… I used to call it PROcrastination. But after reading your post I really believe it is my depression. The incredible sadness and loss of hope. It isn’t there all the time but when it is it sucks the life out of me. “I call it Stillness. It’s the antithesis of a well lived life.”…. Yes. You are so right with those words. I don’t have PROcrastination, I have “The Stillness”.
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One of the worst features of depression is that it is often misdiagnosed as a character flaw. Procrastinator, Lazy, Antisocial, etc.
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