It’s like goddamn Wild Kingdom in this apartment.
Yesterday I woke up, started my usual half awake bumbling about in the kitchen. I was doing last night’s dishes when I heard something weird and scratchy in the living room.
I walk out and both cats are fascinated by the radiator. Tim is pawing under it and Bijou is on top, pawing down.
SIGH.
I go over and it’s A GODDAMN SQUIRREL.
That door to the balcony had been open 5 minutes maximum. 5 minutes. I imagine it was eating the last tomatoes of the season and Tim ran out and like a moron it ran into the apartment instead of down the side of the building like any reasonable squirrel would have.
This squirrel (or a similarly cheeky one) has been a pain in my ass for 2 years. And it’s capped the whole show by showing up in my damn living room.
So I opened the door wider and threw 2 very offended cats into the bedroom. Bijou in particular gave me a good growly talking to on the subject. Tim had a more dignified acceptance of his fate.
I gave that squirrel 45 minutes to figure his escape out. I figured if he didn’t, I would get involved – which was probably a bad plan, but HEY. It’s not like getting bitten by a squirrel scares me. I’m now IMMUNE to RABIES. Who knew it would come in handy?
Squirrel 1 : Sara 0
Possibly Sara -1.
I went out to check on Squirrel 45 minutes later. It was up in the bars of the radiator still. Apparently 45 minutes of open safe escape route was not sufficient.
So I decided to drag him out.
I got a broom handle and tried to gently push him. But let me tell you. Squirrels are VERY strong. And because I’m very worried about hurting him I wasn’t going to push too hard. Plus he made adorable growly grumbles. Which didn’t do him any harm in making me feel more sympathetic to him.
I finally got him nearly to a place I could grab him and he scuttled back into the radiator grid.
I think he was fully prepared to die there.
So I grabbed his tail and pulled, hoping to drag him out by main force. The screams he emitted could be heard 3 streets away. They were enough to stop that plan – although it honestly seemed like the most likely solution.
I retreated to the bedroom. The cats were looking at me like I murdered someone. They no doubt heard the squirrel scream.
Possibly they were offended that I took care of the murder without them. It’s hard to tell with cats.
I’m not sure what to do at this point. I have to leave for work at 11:30ish. I was not keen on leaving the door wide open when I left. But I wasn’t sure if I had a choice.
Sigh. I wonder if I should call off due to squirrel crisis. That would be utterly ridiculous.
I mean, the odds of anything bad happening due to the open door are mostly small – and hopefully once he gets over himself, he will leave. And hopefully no other vermin will invade in the meantime.
I made a second attempt to make the squirrel leave later in the morning before leaving for work. I achieved nothing but changing his position in the radiator and getting the broom bitten.
So when I went to work, I left the balcony door open, and blocked off the rest of the house, kept the cats locked in the bedroom with litter, water, and food.
But it made me anxious. Not least because I normally get home after dark and we all know that bats are prone to fly into my apartment.
So I left work early at 6pm and got home while it was still light. The squirrel was gone. The cats did a thorough check and there is no squirrel. I was so relieved.
I am considering burning the apartment down if anymore vermin invade.
My co-workers were joking about a raccoon moving in next and honestly I wouldn’t even be surprised at this point if a raccoon showed up.
I love this apartment, but it’s starting to lose it’s loveliness in the light of the constant vermin.
It's a Thought 
I am rolling on the floor! Kudos to you for leaving the door open (and no birds flew in!). You didn’t even need a trail of food leading to the door! I’ve my outdoor cat bring a chipmunk in. I found it because the three indoor cats were in ecstasy! A real toy at last! Those suckers are hard to catch and yes, they bite. They don’t break skin though. I gave him a lecture as I though he should be grateful I put him back outside out of the reach of my indoor cats.
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I’ve also noticed a deep lack of appreciation from the victim.
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OMG, I laughed so hard over your insight about being immune to rabies. Whodathunk, right?
Damned squirrels. My neighbor feeds them peanuts but it’s my lovely garden they invade in order to bury them.
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They are adorable until you interact with them. Then their true sinister nature becomes clear.
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Rats with fluffy tails. Just rats with fluffy tails.
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Exactly. I mean honestly I have a very live and let live attitude when the rodents are OUTSIDE
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Such a funny post. Thanks for the laugh.
I didn’t know that rabies treatment made you immune. But now you can’t become Batwoman.
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That is what I think. It’s like a super power. In this case my inability to withstand squirrel screaming made it irrelevant, but in future case, I’m like immune!!!!
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You made me have laugh tears this morning!
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