Even though it doesn’t feel like it, it is Fall.  And Fall brings out a nesting instinct in me.

I want to create a cozy space for the winter.

So I spent money.  This is not something I generally like to do.  But Macys was having a great sale!  20% off clearance.

So I bought a bed in a bag and will soon have a new cozy bedroom.  I have an extra check in October.  I intended to spend it on a sofa.  I have a mostly empty living room with nothing to sit on. But I got distracted by the comforters and one thing led to another.  It was a great deal though, so I still have money for the sofa, but possibly not the rug.

Or I may not spend the money.  I find the savings account very cozy too.  I live in fear of two things – have an emergency without the funds to cover it.  And having people judge me for spending money frivolously.  Only one of those is sane.

I have no idea why it bothers me what ANYONE might think of the way I spend money.   Reality is that they don’t even think about it.  But I think I have been self identifying as “poor” for long enough that spending money on unnecessary things feels like I’m a hypocrite.  But, I’m no longer quite so poor.  I have enough money in every check to save a decent chunk.  But I still think of myself as poor.

Perhaps because I grew up without any money concerns.  Which taught me NO money skills.  When I moved out of the house I was poor.  I just didn’t know it.  And was constantly overspending and getting myself into financial trouble.   Even as I made more money I just felt like I could spend more.

It wasn’t until I became homeless that I recognized the dangers of being poor.  That radically changed how I managed money.  Now I’m frugal in my daily life.  It’s amazing how the daily choices we make can save money.  Bringing lunch to work instead of buying lunch.  Bringing pop to work instead of buying pop.  Not buying every whim.  But sadly my biggest savings came because I’m not social.  Having a social life can be expensive.  I stayed at home, I didn’t go to happy hours or movies or dinners.  All of those choices allowed me to live in a very small income but never to save money.

But for a while now I’ve been bringing home more than I spend and have been saving.  And also spending more.  I go out to eat with a friend about once a month.  I have been more willing to buy new clothing.  And now I’m thinking of dipping into the savings to buy major things.  And the thing that sticks most on that is what other people will think.

Intellectually I know that the savings serves a function and I should preserve this check for the unexpected.  But emotionally I’m worried about what the neighbors will think if I have a sofa delivered.  They are all financially strapped.  It also feels like I don’t belong here anymore if I can afford to buy a sofa?  It’s a weird and entirely irrational feeling.

This off projected shame is ridiculous.  I’m not going spend based on what other people think.  I earned this money, it’s mine and having a living room I can use is not frivolous, it’s just life.




8 thoughts on “Nesting

  1. This is a hard one for me as well. I am debt free now and spent years and years being so poor I couldn’t afford to buy milk some days. People always say on a sarcastic way that it must be nice to be debt free but I have not been on a holiday in years. I don’t own a cell phone except one of those little flip phones that are for emergencies. Most of my clothing is from thrift stores. My car is 22 years old. I get pissed when someone tells me it must be nice to be free of debt but they just spent $ 10, 000 on a 2-week holiday.
    Are your neighbours in debt because of poor choices or because of the cost of living? Either way, if you don’t have anything to sit on go ahead and buy a couch. Would it make you feel better about your decision if it was second hand? I actually think older stuff that has been well cared for will be a better investment than the crap they make these days.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve thought about used. But I have 2 issues with it. I have a fear of getting bed bugs. AND I have no way to get a used one into my my home. I’m mostly a loner and don’t have a bevy of friends to call on. So I will have a store deliver it and solve both problems.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “But I think I have been self identifying as “poor” for long enough that spending money on unnecessary things feels like I’m a hypocrite.” Absolutely. I feel like if I ever complain about not having the money for something, people are judging me if I buy a bedspread or even use miles for a vacation. And I realize that it’s ridiculous, but still I feel guilty purchasing anything.

    Liked by 1 person

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