I remind myself of this often. In my previous position I always finished all the work on my desk before I left. It was the standard and I can could on one hand with fingers left how many times I was unable to do that.
But now my job is not like that. I find that stressful. But when it starts to be like that I remind myself of my Mom quoting one of her favorite mystery detectives, “Tomorrow is also a day”. The work will still be on my desk. It’s not going to run away or explode if I wait another day. And nearly always the following day I can wrap up all the odds and ends of both days. Which is satisfying. But it is distinctly NOT satisfying to leave work on the desk.
Today was a horrid day. Following a fairly horrid Holiday Weekend. Horridness created entirely by my brain, no one else to blame, although I did do a bit of projection and spent 2 days blaming 2 inept employees whose combined idiocy made my job significantly more annoying and time consuming. They were inept, and did make many fairly ludicrous mistakes. All of which cost the company less than 200 dollars. Probably. Unless some long term potential karma on them kicks in. But let’s hope not.
But my anger and reaction generally to their stupidity was outsized. As is usual when my brain is lobbing grenades around. I gave one old man such a verbal lashing that I rather thought I might have to go the principles office to discuss it. But so far that hasn’t happened. Perhaps because the Principle (company president) was off today. Not that she is EVER anything but kind to me. But honestly. I treated that old man like a 12 year old who broke the rules. And I told everyone who would listen that the company is just paying him to breathe.
This kind of thing makes me feel even more shitty about myself. I was on the verge of tears several times. In fact a couple may have forced their way to the surface. Which I find embarrassing and humiliating and deeply overdramatic. A thing that can be said about the entire day. Overdramatic. Self Involved.
At several points today I became convinced that I just need to find a new job. But of course it’s not the job. It’s my brain. I’m so tired of this brain. It’s been on the attack for days. It started on Thanksgiving and hasn’t given me rest since. I feel like I’m back in the place I was 6 years ago. Feeling alone, abandoned, worthless, off balance and without direction. All the progress I thought I had made to mitigate a lot of those feelings seems to have evaporated for no apparent reason.
But tomorrow is also a day. And hopefully it will not be quite so emotionally explosive. A good night of sleep will no doubt help. Perhaps if I allow myself some space, it will recede. But I don’t have the money to give myself the space of time off and the weekend did not help so probably not. If only I can come out of the trenches and act like a normal. Pretend to be one anyway. I miss my old self. I feel like she was a better person than I am. But maybe she wasn’t. Maybe she was just better at hiding her horrid side from herself?
I wonder if I have any vacation left. I should check. Before I give any of these inept old men a stroke.