It’s been awhile.
There’s definitely a layer of dust on this blog.
I write most of my thoughts on tumblr. It’s my comfort zone. I know a core group of there. But I think the biggest reason I feel more comfortable over there is that the environment feels different.
Over here it feels like most of the folks I see are putting people in the sitting room and serving tea.
Few if any people are crying in pain from the various disasters that are drifting through their lives. They are talking about the disaster in the past – ie it’s a thing I overcame.
No one is venting their anger at spouses. They are telling humorous stories of spousal quirks.
People aren’t talking about how they can barely breathe from anxiety or how they can barely move from depression. They talk about how they manage it.
Nothing about their addicted family member beating them. They are talking about their kids or dogs.
Nothing about failing to pay bills. They talk about it being tight and this is a great cheap meal.
No guilt about how selfish they feel for being angry at the person they are being caregiver to. Just the martyred exhaustion of caretaking.
In tumblr, or at least in the group I follow, there is much more of a reality spread. It’s not the sitting room. It’s the family room that hasn’t been cleaned in 2 weeks. People are talking about the stuff that is too ugly to say in real life. Because it’s there and it’s hard and sometimes you need to say it.
Most of tumblr is a large visual reblog machine. But there is a very small subset of people who have formed a community. And it’s just people being real. We talk about our lives and we scream about politics and we post kitten pictures and we spout our opinions or we share our interests. Sometimes we bicker. It’s friendship.
I think I stopped coming here because while I do post quite a bit of non-personal stuff on tumblr, it’s also where I share my dirty family room. It feels like home. People who have seen my life deteriorate and implode and slowly get built back up to this point and have never made me feel less than supported are there.
But it’s dying. Fewer and fewer people go there. And I need to find a new place for my family room.
I refuse to do Facebook. I won’t show my family room to my real life friends and family. I don’t trust them with it. They can see a sitting room version of me. And I really don’t care to invest the effort in constantly cleaning up the sitting room to show them. My life is hard enough. Having to construct a virtual sitting room for a constant stream of visitors is not where I want to waste my energy.
Perhaps, if I show my family room here it will be OK. But it doesn’t feel like it will. Possibly because you all didn’t watch the arc of turmoil that has been my life for the last 8 years. But mostly because showing your family room to people who invite you into the sitting room feels awkward.
But maybe that’s just me projecting. I have to find a new place for the Family Room. Tumblr is dying. And my need for a place to share remains.