My father died when he was 55 years old of heart disease.

I am going to be 52 in February.

In an effort to form some motivation to live a better life, I was contemplating that. You know, people always say that Live Like This is the Last Day of Your Life.

Presumably that feeling that life is very short makes you want to do fun and enjoyable things.

I don’t find that to be case.  If I presume that I will die at 55 I am not filled with a deep desire to get my life together.  I don’t feel much at at all.

A mild regret is there that I won’t see how the future unfolds.

A concern that I might out live Lily.  And that would of course only be for a day or two, because the sisters would put her down.  And that bothers me.

But none of that is motivating me to live a fuller richer life.

Of course I’m depressed, so motivation is not on my menu of options.  It’s been greyed out on the menu.

But I keep trying to click on it.  Despite knowing that is not the path that will work for me.  I will move because of habit and systems I use to get things done.  From sheer force of will occasionally.  But it won’t be because I’m motivated by some separate desire or emotion.

I think that doing things from motivation is an iffy way to live.  Motivation, like happiness, is fickle.  It disappears and then you are left without support.  A system, a habit, a structure that pushes you – is a much safer bet.

But those things lack that crystal clear feeling of excitement and passion.  Motivation is what gives a moment a robust experience.  The system is reliable but it rarely feels particularly good doing it.  It just is.  A robot path.

So I keep clicking on that greyed out menu option.  Hoping to find the sparkle of motivation.

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6 thoughts on “My father died when he was 55 years old of heart disease.

  1. I have come to the conclusion at age 58, that we should do the best we can with each day we have. Motivation and happiness are fickle. We should find new paths forward from time to time explore and, in so doing, explore ourselves. If we look to be euphorically happy, then we live in constant disappointment. Maybe our goal should be contentment and constant learning. Who knows the answer. Best regards, Keith

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  2. My father died when he was 39 years old from heart disease.
    I was only 8 at the time. It did make me learn to live in the moment – eventually, but I couldn’t say that it was a reflective process alone that got me to this life attitude. It wasn’t a motivational thing – but more an acceptance of a certain reality. Nothing is “a given” – it all can change tomorrow. I learned to internalize that fact and let myself feel sadness and “thank goodness!” about it at the same time.
    Maybe depression is not a given either – although I know from experience that it sure feels like one.
    I guess there is a reason my mantra in life – and not only the dark times – is “This too shall pass.”

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  3. Before we were created, everything that we do or what happens to us is predestined. We had no say-so about getting here and we won’t have one when we leave. Not saying that we should be foolish with life, but enjoy the days we have. I have lost so many loved ones in my life and looking back, it was meant to happen the way it did. We’ve heard it before and it may sound cliche’ but it’s not the quantity of our days, but the quality.

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    1. I think predestination is the most existentially horrifying idea out there. There is no point at all in anything if it’s true. So despite some very reasonable scientific logic behind it, I refuse to accept it.

      I prefer to focus on the uncertainty principles and hope that it represents out own choice and direction in life. A future of unknown chaos is FAR FAR preferable than a known inevitability.

      In any case, it is definitely NOT ever going to motivate me to do anything to think that there it is all predestined by previous events. That the snap of unintended but inevitable dominoes falling through the universe is all my life amounts to is too dismal to consider. Its only redeeming quality being that it is unintended not the manipulation of some outside sentient force.

      I will keep going because I think my effort matters. If it its just the next inevitable moment in the universe, why bother to try?

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  4. I guess I was just trying to express one way of looking at life and loss where I have experienced it myself. I choose to believe that God knows what is best for me and I trust Him with whatever He has in store for me. I take life one day at a time. Each day brings something totally different in my life and I take nothing for granted anymore. Blessings to you!

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