Funny Story…

I used to be VERY VERY fat.  400lbs.

I wore dresses to work, but not pantyhose because being that fat and putting on pantyhose is similar in effort to walking up Everest.

I had a drawer full of underwear.  And I hated to do laundry.  I didn’t do the laundry until I had no underwear left to wear.  I never threw out underwear.  And so toward the end of the cycle I would be down to the “emergency” underwear.  Underwear with little or no elastic at the waist and legs.  Ugly, Granny underwear.  Giant Ugly Granny Underwear. Probably with at least one hole.

One day, I wore my emergency underwear to work, with a dress.  All day long the underwear slowly slid down my body.  I would find subtle ways to hold it up while walking, by keeping my hand on my hip. But mostly I focused on holding my legs together as much as possible when walking, so that even if the waist fell down and was hanging below my crotch, I still had the damn underwear on.

Several times a day I would go into the bathroom to correct the upside down Giant Granny Underwear situation.

After work, I stopped by the grocery store and then drove home.   I lived in a small uptown area.  The streets are lined with Mercedes, Range Rovers, the occasional Rolls.  Lots of upscale restaurants and boutiques.  People would stroll the sidewalks and socialize.

I parked my car across the street and down the block from my building.  The Giant Grannies had slowly crept downward while I was shopping.  But when I got out of the car, my hands filled with grocery bags, I could feel it was pretty bad.  Emergency Giant Ugly Granny Undies were moving into the upside down position.

I walked carefully, with my thighs clenched together, my hands too full of groceries to try and hold them up. Then I had to cross the street.  I stepped off the curb without incident.   I still had the Ugly Grannies held up at the crotch, but the waist was hanging down half way to my knees.

I reached the other side, stepped up on the curb, my legs parted and that was the end of it.  Giant Granny Underwear floated down to my ankles.

I stepped out of them and left them in the gutter, without a backward glance.  Like nothing had happened.

It was a defining moment in my life.

The next morning they were gone.  Someone picked up my Emergency Giant Ugly Granny Undies and took them home.