Today was not grand. Again.
But I went to work and there was a rather dangerous moment this morning when I wasn’t going. I do best when I have something I need to do. And when I remembered that I had unfinished work on my desk, I got up and went to work. Easy peasy.
I did not enjoy the day. The trainee is… a hoverer. This is bothersome. I am not in the best place for being patient and I snapped at him at least once.
But the brain is the reason the day was bad. It won’t stay focused and it is having a very grand time making me feel like a large dung heap. I think of all the very valid reasons why I suck as a human. And this is not conducive to feeling particularly cheery.
And all of this while taking antidepressants.
But I’ve only been on them for 6 days. So. Not really fair to blame them. Or is it?
Because I remembered. Some people commit suicide when they first start taking anti depressants. And that is what I found encouraging.
Stick with me on this.
I’m feeling like so much crap – worse in some respects than I did during the 3 weeks in the deep hole of last month. Its all centered around this self disgust. And then I realized – its the drug. It creates this sensation before it makes things better. A sensation that makes people feel bad enough to give up.
A doctor once told me that people commit suicide after starting the drugs because it makes people feel well enough that they have the energy to act out the suicidal thoughts. But after these last few days – I think not. I think its magnifies the bad for a period of time before it moves into the good.
No proof of course. Just me thinking.
I’m not suicidal. But damn, this is not pleasant.